Emotions and Resolutions

I have had a couple short visits with Hope and baby Spencer this last week. I seriously can’t get enough. I stinkin’ love the little guy. He really is the cutest baby I’ve ever seen. No exaggeration. I’ve been asked how I’m doing with the whole thing. Even Hope asked me yesterday if it’s weird being around him.

Here’s where I’m at on the whole thing…

I knew from the very beginning I wouldn’t get attached to the baby I was carrying. I knew that it wasn’t my baby, etc etc. We all know that part. But while I knew that’s how I would feel, I was still very careful throughout this whole thing. People still made me feel like I wouldn’t be able to help it, so I had conflicting feelings on the whole thing throughout the entire pregnancy. I think I kept my guard up just as an added measure of protection, just in case. I was careful, but I think I was safer than people thought. Nevertheless, while I was pregnant, it was just a lot of dealing with pregnancy things, and not anticipating having my own new baby. I think “not anticipating” having a new baby was helpful in the “not getting attached” department. If that even makes sense.

While I was pregnant however, I did develop a wonderful relationship with Hope and her family. Better than a casual friendship, more intimate than a regular friendship, not the same as a family relationship, I don’t know if I could ever quite describe it. But it’s pretty great, however you want to look at it.

When it came to Hope’s girls though, they were just that. Hope’s little girls. Cute as heck, fun to be around, always playing with my girls, but at the end of the day, they were my friend’s girls. And the baby boy I was carrying was just an extension of that… Hope’s little boy. I didn’t think of him any different than the girls. Which reassured me that I wouldn’t have any kind of a problem -or attachment.

Hope said people would ask her if she was worried I would have some attachment to her baby, or if I would want to keep her baby. She told me that her reaction was always, “Not even one little drop was she ever worried.”

So now the baby is here. And I could go on and on about how stinkin’ cute he is! And I love holding him and looking at him. I sure do enjoy him a lot more on the outside than I did the inside ;) I can’t get enough. So I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that I am attached to the little guy. But not in the way everyone was worried about. I guess I feel a sense of pride when I see him. Although pride doesn’t seem like the right word. I have something special with him, which is why it’s a different feeling than with Hope’s girls. But it’s more like some special Auntie bond than anything maternal or dangerous. Whatever the feeling is, it makes me happy and it makes me smile. And if I was struggling with anything at all, I probably wouldn’t feel happy. I figure I would probably struggle with not being around him. I dunno...

Whatever it is, it’s the perfect feeling, and I figure this is what it should feel like to be a surrogate when you have a healthy relationship with baby’s family.

I was holding my little buddy the other day, and I was just jabbering to him without really thinking, and I said something about “Uncle Clark.” It felt so natural to say, that I didn’t really think about it before I said it, and I was instantly worried that I should have talked with Hope before making a comment like that. She never said anything, she never seemed upset by it, but it is something we will probably hash out when I visit in the future. Like I said, it just felt natural to say. It feels right to think of myself as Auntie Vanessa. I don’t have too, and if that were to bother Hope and her husband, I would certainly be okay with not doing so, but that’s where I’m at.

One thing is certain though. Baby Spencer is my Little Buddy :)

I’m sad to not be a part of something bigger anymore. I always knew the baby would be here in less than a year, and it would all be over soon. A big chapter in my life is over, and while I’m glad things will be settling back to normal, I will also miss being a part of something so special. I’m glad to know that my friendship/relationship with Hope’s family will continue on, because if it didn’t, I would probably feel a sense of loss. (when I say loss, I mean the loss of being a part of something special) But a relationship that continues on makes it special in it’s own way. 

I was contacted last night by a member of a “surrogacy support group” that is located here in Utah. They found me through my blog, and one of the members found me on facebook. We visited for a while, and she told me that she was a lot more emotionally invested in her surrogacy than her intended family, and that they treated it more like a business transaction, which I can only imagine left her feeling a little more unsure of things once it was all over. She didn’t go into detail, but it made me so grateful for the relationship Hope and I have had. I really do think a surrogacy arrangement like ours was one in a million.

So this “surrogacy support group.” Certainly interests me, but at first I was like, “I don’t need a support group. I’m not struggling with anything, I don’t need help getting through this…” but as I’ve looked over the group, I’ve realized that nobody is necessarily looking at me like I need help. Instead, I can be there to help other’s who are struggling with things. I read about a woman who doesn’t have any support from her family. I saw a woman who wanted clarification on the medical side. It looks like a lot of women are looking for clarification on the Church’s position regarding surrogacy, which is how they found me. These women get together and have dinner. They have all become good friends. They share something special, and they are a small group of woman who have been in similar situations as me. I say similar because not every surrogacy is the same. But we’ve all been there nonetheless. I’m excited to get to know these ladies. Maybe it’s a new chapter I can look forward too :)

Hope and I took pictures together the day before Spencer was born. When I’ve had a chance to recover and settle in, we are going to be taking another picture with the baby. I’ll have them posted here on my blog as soon as they are finished. I’m excited to see how they all turn out :)

There are still more pictures to come. Hope’s hubby has more on his camera, and I’ll post them when I get them.

Clark said he wanted to share a final blog post with everyone. Keep an eye out for that :)

This has been an incredible journey. A life changing experience. I am so glad Clark and I went ahead with this whole thing. I’m so glad I came across an add one day on Craigslist that said, “Please carry our baby. Looking for an LDS Surrogate.” Craigslist of all places. Hope said that people would ask her where she found me, and when she told them craigslist, they gave her that, “well good luck. Hope the craigslist surro doesn’t keep your baby” look. We always laugh about it, cuz it seems just as crazy to us. The Lord works in mysterious ways though.

Thank you for sharing this experience with us. With me

I’ll be in touch <3