A little bit of EVERYTHING, with a special message at the end

I love my blog, and I love adding to it, but writing is seriously one of the hardest things for me to do. I’ve said that before. I think about all the different things I have to say on a daily basis, but putting my thoughts down in a coherent and flowing manner requires a babysitter and at least 5 hours of free time. Do such things even exist?

A lot has happened since we found out our wiggly little baby bump was a boy.

One of the most amazing experiences happened just a day or two later. Hope and I attended the Temple together. Her mom was able to come along also, and we all had such a wonderful time. Hope called it a “Spiritual Ultrasound.” I could not describe it any better myself. A Spiritual Ultrasound. I know that might be a little much to wrap your head around, but it was simply just being close to her baby boy in the most spiritual and holy place on earth. She couldn’t help but smile and peek down at my belly all throughout the endowment session. We visited quietly in the Celestial Room. About our friendship, and this sweet spirit on its way, and how thankful we all are for the miracles & blessings in our lives. I don’t know if there is another surrogacy relationship out there within the Church that has had a similar experience. It truly was once in a lifetime. I wish we had taken a picture outside the Temple that night, but it was dark and we had little ones to get home to.

We had several play dates while Hope was still in town for the Ultrasound. The girls all love to get together and play their hearts out. Hope took this cute picture during one of our play dates :) Her little girls thought it was so fun that my big tummy was their baby brother. I can’t wait til they get to meet their little brother for the very first time. 

Hope and I outside the Clinic

I mentioned to Hope that I didn’t feel like I could complain during this pregnancy. And when I say complain, I just mean the groans and grumbles of a pregnant woman. I couldn’t quite put my finger on the reasoning and emotion behind what I was trying to say, but I tried. At first it seemed like maybe it was just a matter of, “Well you brought this on yourself. You CHOSE to go through with this and be pregnant, so you have no room to complain about how hard it is sometimes.” But that didn’t seem to be the spirit of the matter. And if you think about it, I’ve been pregnant with my own children “by choice” and I’ve had no problem voicing my opinions about how miserable it was for me to be pregnant. And those were MY babies I was carrying. You would think that it would be easier to complain about a baby that isn’t mine. You’d think.

I had other thoughts on the subject. None of them ever seemed to fit. None of them made sense as to why I felt so positive despite how miserable I felt. I’m really not that good of a person. I do have negative thoughts. I’m working on that….

So I left it alone, but it still never sat well with me. Why did it seem so wrong to complain about the hard parts? Complaining just felt bitter in my mouth. I’ve never once felt negative about any of this. But it’s taken me to the 3^rd trimester to finally put my finger on the emotions I’m failing to illustrate. I don’t know when the realization hit me, and please please, find it in yourself to try to understand that I am NOT patting myself on the back, but this is what I’ve come up with.

You don’t complain, you don’t grumble, and you’re not negative about serving others. If a friend needs your help, and you drop everything in the middle of the night to be by their side, you don’t complain. If the little old lady next door can’t bend over to weed her flowerbeds, you don’t leave with negative feelings thinking, “Well that’s a Saturday afternoon I’ll never get back,” or “my back sure hurts, wish she could have done that herself.” I don’t care if the little old lady gives you milk and cookies in an effort to compensate you for your time. If strangers are moving in next door, and they don’t have enough hands to help unload their moving truck, you jump right in and help, and you never grumble. True service won’t give you negative feelings anyway. It goes against nature. That’s not the way the Lord intended it. Knowing there is someone on the other end who is grateful makes it worth every minute. So without sounding like I’m saying, “Hey, I know I’m doing something nice, therefor I guess I can’t complain,” what I am really truly trying to say is that it’s perfectly normal for me to complain about how much pain I’m in, or how uncomfortable I am, but it never felt right or natural to be that way with any of this. So there it is. I finally made sense of what I was feeling. Why it was so easy to tell the world I hated being pregnant with my own kids, but why it didn’t feel right to even think those thoughts to myself about Hope’s baby.

Bizarre, random… round about way of trying to put my thoughts and feelings into words. I totally understand if you think I’m a lunatic. But for the record, it felt really good to finally make sense of my own emotions that I have been at war with all these months. I could never complain when it’s such an amazing thing to be the answer to another family’s prayers. The end.

Moving on…

So Monday I have another doctor’s appointment. This one is the glucose tolerance test and then I get my Rhogam shot. Glucose tolerance test = drinking a nasty liquid that is the equivalent of orange soda with no carbonation (just straight sugar syrup) and then having your blood drawn to make sure you don’t have gestational diabetes. Rhogam shot = one of those good old “peanut butter shots” in the behind given to women who have an Rh negative blood type. I couldn’t tell you how it all works, and when my mom asked me to explain it to her, well, I couldn’t. To dumb it down, I would try explaining it like this. If a pregnant woman is Rh negative, and the baby is Rh positive, then there can be problems. So around 28 weeks, I get a shot that is supposed to help, and then when I give birth, if the baby is Rh positive, there is another round of shots given to protect both me and the baby. At least I’m pretty sure that’s the gist of it. Fun stuff :) I’ve never actually been able to keep the glucose drink down long enough for them to draw my blood with my past pregnancies, so hopefully Monday will go okay.

At my last doctors appointment, I had gained more weight than I should have, by a little more than I care to admit. I’ve made changes in my own eating habits, mostly just a healthier lifestyle. Not as much sugar, and a biggie for me – portion control. It’s been interesting. The first 48 hours of having no sugar made me the spawn of Satan. It was best that mommy was just left alone. I had serious withdrawals. Ever since I gained the extra weight, and then made the dietary changes, my hormones have been completely out of whack. I’m still trying to get a handle on all the changes. My husband has been so absolutely patient and understanding, I am ever so grateful for him.

My friend made a really good point to me yesterday. We were talking about watching our weight and all that good stuff, and she mentioned how I will have just had a baby, and I will probably look like I just had a baby, (with the extra weight and the belly that doesn’t go away, and the not nursing to not help the situation…)  but I won’t be walking around with a brand new little one. So to other people it will look like I don’t have any excuse for looking that way. It was a lovely thought… should I wear a sign that says, “I just had a baby! I’m not always this chubby!”?

At my appointment I will also bring up an induction with my doctor. I know it’s still a bit early (since I’m due July 20^th) but I’ve never managed to go into labor on my own with my first 3 pregnancies, and inductions have been the normal and predictable avenue. I realize it could be different this time around, but the best indicator if future behavior is past behavior. Just sayin’. I’ll believe things will be different when I see it. Until then, I’m just planning on this being pretty similar to all the other deliveries. Inductions are nice cuz you can plan. And in this particular situation, with everyone involved, planning is ideal. Hope should be coming up by train from Illinois around July 7^th, and her hubby will be flying up around the 12^th or 13^th. Just to give them all a safe cushion if anything unexpected were to happen. It will be so fun to spend July with her.

We make our big camping trip once every summer, and last night we were discussing where we’re gonna fit that it. My son comes to visit us during the summer, and he will be here July 9^th until August 20^th. We won’t go camping unless he’s here with us. So that leaves all of July (which would make me 9 months pregnant and camping) or August, after the baby is born and I’ve recovered. Even though we would just be camping 10 minutes up American Fork Canyon (a whopping 15 minutes from the nearest hospital) I still vote for August I guess. I am a die hard camper, (who doesn’t consider it camping if you’ve got toilets or running water nearby) and I’ve had the itch to sleep in my tent and cook over a campfire since January, so waiting til August will be torture. We also plan to move around the beginning of July, which will make it a busy month, and a hard move. Our lease is up though, and if everything works out, we are hoping to find a little house to rent. We shall see. It will be a summer to remember, that’s for sure :)

Two of my really good friends just had their babies this last week. It was the first baby for both of them, and it has been so fun to anticipate their new adventures right along with them! I was able to visit one of them in the hospital the evening she had her baby. It brought back all the memories of when my little Brynlee was born, and how I was able to share that experience with my husband. (My first two were with mistakes- which is another story for another blog for a soap opera for another day.) All I meant to point out was that when my Brynlee was born, the experience of having someone that I loved to share it with was incredibly special. All those memories came flooding back to me. And it really started to hit me how different this time around would be. Not that I wasn’t aware that it would be completely different, but it just got my wheels turnin’. You don’t dwell on the delivery, the recovery and what that all entails when you have your brand new baby. You aren’t even paying attention to the doctor delivering the placenta when you’re busy finding out how much the baby weighs, holding the baby for the first time, or seeing how much hair they have. You are so preoccupied with the baby that you don’t think twice about sitting on ice packs, or the epidural (which in my experience is totally worth getting – but SUCKS to actually get) or all the annoying checks from the nurses at random hours of the night. All of that just sweeps past you when you have the new baby. It just kind of hit me when I was visiting my friend that I’ll be doing all that fun stuff and won’t have my own baby to distract me. Not the end of the world, and not the hardest thing I’ve done by miles, but just something to ponder on. It really has been amazing at all the little things that have come up with this surrogacy that you would never ever think of unless you were actually in the situation. The emotions behind not anticipating a newborn in my home, the fact that I feel no attachment to the baby in any way, or how it will actually feel to go through the motions at the hospital without my own baby. That’s one of the reasons I’m so excited though to be able to experience this. I never would have learned these things and gained this experience if I had never gone through with it.

My husband and I took this year to have Hope’s baby, but we are planning to move right along with our own family. I certainly don’t want my kids back to back, but I also don’t want them 4 or 5 years apart. Some don’t agree with us, but we will do what is right for our family. As long as I am able to get pregnant, we won’t do anything to prevent it after this baby is born. Which could certainly turn into feeling like I’m going to be pregnant for a minimum of 18 months to have my own little one. A realization that makes me wanna cry. That’s just a lot of being pregnant for someone who does not enjoy it. My sweet husband actually said to me that he would be okay with waiting to have our own in order to give me a little time to have my body back. He knows first hand how hard this is on me. I was touched by his thoughts on the matter, but I’ll tell you what. I would much rather suck it up now and pump out my kids so that I can officially have my body back permanently. It’s stuff like how hard you work to get in decent shape, to just get pregnant again and lose all that progress. Over and over and over. Nope. What doesn’t kill me just makes me stronger. We will keep moving right along with our own family. I’ll survive :)

I have a few friends having babies right now, and ALL of them have had smooth sailing so far in their pregnancies. 8 weeks along, 16 weeks along, 20 weeks along, and almost no nausea, no feeling miserable at all. It kind of makes me sick and I’m rather jealous that they have it so easy. I even hear people say that they “love being pregnant.” I really just can’t wrap my mind around all that. It sure must be nice, that’s all I have to say.

Here have been my pregnancies – served on a silver platter in one semi-long paragraph.

Week 8 (you could clock it) the nausea hits. It goes strong for months, and then around the end of the second trimester, it’s only half as bad. Meaning I only need a Zofran every other day instead of twice a day. I still lose my breakfast at least twice a week, and I pee my pants every time I get sick. Debilitating migraines -daily. Luckily those only lasted two months. Severe Acid Reflux. I can’t think of anything more miserable than constant burning in your throat. It makes me sicker, and it never goes away. Not even at night when I sleep. THANKFULLY I have discovered Prilosec OTC and my acid reflux has been eliminated. But I went my entire pregnancy with Brynlee and the first half of this one without the Prilosec, and I truly suffer from acid reflux. If I forget to take a pill, it’s less than 8 hours before the burning comes back. I cannot even wrap my mind around how bad that is. Restless Legs. If you have never experienced restless legs, then I have no way of describing to you how miserable it really is. I have it so bad that I am not only affected when I sleep at night, but it will act up when I drive, or when I’m just sitting at the dinner table. My legs jerk and twitch. It’s involuntary, and painful. It affects my lower back. Then add the pinched sciatic nerve. The pregnancy back pain, the restless legs and the sciatic nerve all adding to my lower back and leg pain simultaneously. Then you’ve got a wiggly baby that makes your upset tummy uneasy, wiggles when you are just settling in, and likes to find extra leg room in your rib cage. You don’t sleep at night, because of all the above mentioned reasons, not to mention your huge tummy is just uncomfortable and impossible to sleep with anyway. Your boobs hurt. Every so often you get so constipated that it might or might not create a hemorrhoid issue. It hurts so bad to bend over to pick up anything, put on socks or shoes, change a diaper, shave your legs, paint your toes, and so on. Every once in a while you get crampy and have random Braxton Hicks contractions for no reason. Your tummy gets hard and it’s painful. The baby sit’s low and it feels like it’s going to slip out when you walk. Sitting hurts, walking pinches. All this time the nausea never lets up. Oh my goodness, and the worst part is that you have all these symptoms simultaneously for months.

Please understand that this is ALWAYS how my pregnancies are, and I am not referring to this one alone. I will honestly tell anyone without any hesitation that I hate being pregnant. Period. With any baby, even my own. That’s why it meant so much to me when Clark said he would be okay if I wanted to wait, so that I could have my body back for a little while.

I say this because like I said before, I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that there are lots of you who have easy pregnancies. It doesn’t seem fair that you don’t even experience morning sickness. Good heavens, it’s like I get every symptom in the book. Now I realize I don’t have pregnancies like Hope, with a feeding tube being the least of her worries. And I don’t have gestational diabetes or preeclampsia, which is why I felt like if I could have a healthy baby for a family, and only sign away 9 months (with the added injections) but certainly not the rest of my life. So I don’t think it was an unthinkable decision to go ahead and have a baby for another family.  Anyway, if you have easy pregnancies, then I hope you realize how lucky you have it.

That was my plug for where I’m at physically I guess. I didn’t intend to be negative, I only intended to be perfectly honest about what pregnancy is for me. I do not regret ever going through with this, just as I do not regret ever having my own children. There is no greater miracle. 

Clark texted me one day at work and told me that Mitt Romney had two more grandchildren born via gestational surrogate. It was fun news considering it was a high profile surrogacy for an LDS family. I told Hope as soon as I found out :) Here’s the link.

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Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. I received an incredibly special Mother’s Day present from Hope yesterday. Her sister knocked on my door and caught me completely by surprise. I couldn’t wait until Sunday to open it. I will probably never be able to put into words how much I loved her gift. I have to assume she knew this about me to some small extent, but whether she based her gift getting decision solely on this, I don’t know.

I LOVE the Willow’s Collection. The beautiful wooden figures you see in Hallmark. But even more than I love the collection, I love the ones I’ve collected over the years. Each one represents a significant time in my life, and they are some of my most precious possessions. 

I posted this to my facebook a while back.

My Husband and my Children are what I treasure the most in my life, and my Willows tell my story.

My first Willow was given to me by my son’s dad, many years ago. It represents me with my sweet baby boy. I was a child myself, but Taylor was the one constant, real thing in my life.

My second Willow was given to me for Mother’s day by some of my very best friends, Nick and Jasmine. They were there for me when I needed it the most, when Brionna was born, and Taylor was taken from me. The Willow represents me and my new baby Brionna. It was just the two of us. She was the only thing that kept me going when I lost my son.

My third Willow was given to me by my Mom and Dad. It was a gift for my 20th birthday, and represents me with Taylor and little Brionna.

My fourth Willow was also given to me by my Mom and Dad for my 20th birthday. My Son and I.

My fifth Willow was the cake topper for our Wedding Cake. I wanted a Willow topper more than anything. It represents Clark coming into my life, our wedding day, and the love that we have for one another.

My sixth Willow was given to me by our dear friend Chelsea. It represents Clark, Brynlee and I. I finally got things right. I had a sweet baby with someone that I love, someone who truly loves me.

My Willows tell my story. When I look at them I remember where I came from, and what I’ve been through. Those things have made me who I am.

With that being said, Hope was sweet enough to add a very special piece to my collection for Mother’s Day. This Willow represents this special time in my life. How appropriate! How very appropriate, I can’t even tell you how much I love it. Hope, I hope you know you didn’t have to get me ANYTHING, but since I know how much you’ll listen to my insisting, please know that I love your gift and I will cherish it just as I do my others. Thank you <3

I keep hearing that Hope and her husband are dueling it out over baby boy names. My vote didn’t make the cut, which is fine because I love it so much that I might just use it if we ever have a little boy :)

Happy Mother’s Day to all you mothers out there. It’s hard work (even though Obama doesn’t seem to think so;)

I Love You Mom. I think about you always. Make sure Kimmy and AJ do your dishes tomorrow! The kids want you to know how much they love and miss their Grandma.

I Love you Debbie, thank you for bringing my incredible husband into the world, and raising him to be a wonderful father & a worthy Priesthood holder. Thank you for being such an awesome Grandma to our kids

I Love you Hope. I’ve said this before, but you are the most patient and gentle mother I’ve ever met. I am so glad to have you as a friend, and to be able to give you one more reason to celebrate on Mother’s Day :)

Happy Mother’s Day to Brittany, my son’s step mom. I appreciate the effort you put into taking care of Taylor. I love him and miss him every day.

Happy Mother’s Day to all my friends & family. To all you brand new mommies out there, and to all you mothers who follow my blog.

Last, I want to send a special message out to those of you who are here because you are struggling with having children of your own. Never forget the Sanctity of Womanhood. You are Daughters of God, and he knows your heart. You are not alone. This talk was given by Linda Longhurst, and can be found on LDS.org…

My Search for Motherhood

I may never have children of my own in this lifetime, but Heavenly Father has not left me childless.

During sacrament meeting on any given Sunday, I sit in the middle spot on a middle bench in the middle of our chapel.

Except on Mother’s Day.

On Mother’s Day, I choose an aisle seat in the back near the door.

Mother’s Day can be an emotionally trying day for any woman; feelings of inadequacy, disappointment, loss, or a variety of other circumstances may contribute to this. As an unmarried woman in my 40s with a medical condition that often causes infertility, I probably will never be a mother to children of my own in this lifetime. This heartbreak can sometimes make sacrament meeting on Mother’s Day more than I can bear. In my ward all the women are invited to stand and receive a Mother’s Day gift, maybe a flower or a chocolate bar. Despite the good intentions behind this ward tradition, I usually feel undeserving of and disheartened by a gift that I have little hope of earning in the typical way.

For weeks before Mother’s Day I begin preparing myself emotionally: reminding myself that “we are all mothers”1; thinking of women I should remember rather than dwelling on my own disappointments; acknowledging that even women who do have children may find Mother’s Day uncomfortable; telling myself that I am a good aunt, teacher, and friend to other people’s children; and trying to think of Mother’s Day as just another Sunday. I am never quite sure how well these tactics will work, so I sit near the door of the chapel, poised to exit if my heartbreak becomes too apparent.

Blessed by the Scott Family

One year I found Mother’s Day to be particularly difficult. I was just coming to accept that I might not have children in this life and was grieving that loss as well as battling challenges with my medical condition. But not wanting to be defeated, I forced myself out of bed, got dressed, and drove to church, determined to obediently attend my meetings. Despite my best efforts, though, I was in tears before pulling out of the driveway and for most of the 25-minute drive. In the parking lot of the meetinghouse, I somehow suppressed the lump in my throat, forced back the tears, went in, and took my position on the aisle seat of an empty pew toward the back of the chapel.

And then a blessing named the Scott family arrived. Having gone through a period of infertility themselves, they must have realized that Mother’s Day might be difficult for me. Sister Scott brought her three children and sat by me on the pew. With a family next to me, I didn’t feel quite so single and childless.

Brother Scott, a counselor in our bishopric, was the first speaker. He commented that speaking on Mother’s Day was a challenge because of the feelings that it can evoke for many, if not all, members of the congregation. His thoughtful words spoke to my heart as well as to my situation. My emotions got the best of me, and I knew that to avoid embarrassment, I had better leave before the Primary children sang their musical number.

I went to my car where I sat reading my scriptures, crying over my heartbreak, and feeling ashamed of myself for not having the spiritual strength to stay in the meeting. I waited until I was sure that sacrament meeting was over and that the Mother’s Day gift—it was a rose that year—had been handed out, and then I returned for Sunday School and Relief Society. I had convinced myself that no one had noticed my exit and that my face showed no evidence of crying, so I didn’t think much of Brother Scott’s request when he asked to see me in the bishop’s office after church.

I was completely caught off guard when I walked in to discover that he had not only noticed my exit from sacrament meeting but had also saved a rose for me. I could not hold back the tears as he told me that I deserved it as much as anyone and gave specific examples of my positive influence as a woman and member of our ward. Although I was embarrassed by my tears and unsure that I wanted the gift, I was touched and grateful that someone was aware of my pain and conscious of my influence as a woman. Later that day I knelt in prayer to thank my Heavenly Father for sending this sweet family to comfort me.

Seeking Opportunities for Motherhood

After that Mother’s Day, I became more diligent in my search for what I call “alternative opportunities for motherhood.” The more I sought for and opened myself to these opportunities, the more I found them. I discovered that I could be an example of righteous womanhood for children and youth in my family, ward, and community. I served as a trusted adult in teenagers’ lives, confirming the truths their parents were teaching them. I volunteered to babysit so couples in the ward could attend the temple or take care of pressing family issues. I held a baby or followed a curious toddler in the hallway at church so the mother could listen to the lesson or attend to her calling. In sacrament meeting, I sat with families whose fathers were unable to sit with them and helped manage the children. I supported young people by making an effort to attend special events such as courts of honor, school plays and concerts, seminary graduations, and Primary talks. I took more interest in the lives of the children I worked with in my career as a speech-language pathologist and offered more encouragement to their parents as they coped with the many challenges of having a child with a disability. I invited children from the ward or neighborhood to my home to decorate Christmas cookies, watch a movie, or play in my yard. I helped a busy mother by giving her children rides to youth activities or running errands. I tried to fill a few of the voids created by the absence of deployed military parents in our community.

On one occasion, Jonah, whose father was deployed, suffered a severely broken arm. I was able to drive Jonah and his mother to the hospital and then care for his three siblings overnight so their mother could stay with Jonah.

When I talked to Jonah’s mother later, she expressed concern about having “imposed” on me. I could only thank her for giving me an alternative opportunity for motherhood.

While some women live in homes where opportunities for motherhood abound and even overwhelm, I live a life where opportunities for motherhood must be sought. My motherhood is found in serving others. Of course I still am disappointed that I haven’t had the opportunity to raise children of my own, but Heavenly Father has not left me childless. My children are all around me, providing me with precious, though less typical, opportunities for motherhood.

The Baby Wasn't Shy! :)

Oh my goodness I am so excited! Hope just dropped me back off at home. We spent the last hour and a half at our ultrasound. Everything went great :) We got lots of pictures, we got a video. The ultrasound tech was super nice and I could not have had a better time.

It's a baby BOY!

haha! Can you believe it?! I wanted it to be a little boy so badly. How perfect. Their little family will be complete. Hope teared up during the ultrasound. The baby kicked and wiggled all over the place. He wasn't shy at all. We all said it at the same time. "It's a boy?!" It was hard to mistake :) It is so fun to be a part of this. I am giddy and smiling so much my mouth hurts. Hope called her husband and had him on speakerphone. She wanted to mess with him, so she tried, "Well I hope you like Pink!" haha is response was, "How can you tell my little boy's gay?" We all busted up laughing cuz that wasn't the response we expected. At least I'm pretty sure that's what he said. We were all too giggly to really understand a whole lot. Hope came out with it after that. "We're having a son!" His pause and his sigh was enough. We all wished we could have seen his face. Their little girls have been insisting that it was going to be a baby brother. They have been so sure. How fun.

Here at our house, Clark asked Brionna (my 5 year old) what she thought the baby was gonna be. She said it was a girl. He said he thought it was gonna be a boy. So he told her that if he was right, then she had to buy him a treat, and if it was a girl and she was right, then he would buy her a treat. As soon as I told them it was a baby boy, Brionna was like, "OH MAN! I have to get daddy a treat now?!" hahaha.

It's so fun to be able to refer to the baby as "he" instead of it. He's gonna be here before we know it! July is just right around the corner :) Now Hope and her husband will talk baby names. I am so excited. Oh man, my mouth hurts from smiling :D

I wanted to post a better blog full of pictures and the video, but I could't wait to announce the news to everyone! So here it is. The short version, and I will post the fun stuff when I get a chance.

It's a boy! It's a baby boy! They're having a BABY BOY!!! HAHA! :D

More Belly Shots :)

I cannot believe we are at the end of February. This year is flying by, and there is no question that it will continue to do so all the way through the Holidays. We have a very busy year ahead of us, and I am looking forward to every moment of it.

The other day, Clark and I made a stop at Best Buy. As we pulled up in the parking lot, there was a stall labeled “For Expectant Mothers.” At first Clark was like, “SWEET!” and then he was like, “Wait. You’re not an expectant mother. What good are you ;)” hahaha. We had a good laugh, but seriously. Can’t it just say “For Pregnant Women?” This pregnancy has been very different from my others in many respects. Obviously, I normally wouldn’t have to deal with injections. And like I have said before, it is very weird not “anticipating” a baby in our future. I was at a babyshower yesterday, and of course everyone was like, “When are you due? Do you know what you’re having? How many children do you have altogether?” I have found that coming out with the surrogacy at the very beginning is the simplest way to go. I could answer, “July 20^th… and we find out in 2 weeks… but then it get’s complicated. So I just start out with, “Well I’m due in July, and I am actually having a baby for another family :)” That way the questions that are sure to come can come sooner. Like I have said before, I love talking about the surrogacy, and I love to share our story, so that part doesn’t bother me at all. But one of the questions I am always asked is, “How is this different from your own pregnancies?” And I tell them about the injections and the lack of anticipating a new baby.

Along those same lines, because we are not anticipating a new baby, I also lose track of where I’m at in the pregnancy. At first, I wasn’t aware of it. Hope sent me a “Happy 16 weeks!” text a while back, and I was like, “Oh! You’re right! I guess I am! :)” Over the next couple weeks, I was able to think that through a little more. When you are expecting your baby, you can’t wait to meet your sweet little one! You wonder what she will look like, what his personality will be like, if he is going to have daddy’s chin and mommy’s blue eyes. The wait is torture, but it’s because you want to play with your new baby, hold your new baby and all the other fun things that come with having your precious little one. I think because we are not anticipating any of those things, I am not anxiously counting down the days. I am still going on with my life as normal, because when this is all over, we will continue on as normal, with nothing new to mold our life around. Everything in our home will still be the same. I’m not really sure how to explain what I’m trying to say without sounding a little harsh. I’m not intending to sound cold at all, because Heaven knows, I could not be more excited to bring this little one into the world for Hope and her husband. I dream of that moment when they finally get to hold their new baby. I love being a part of this experience. I love all of it. But it is understandable why they would be counting down the minutes. That is the job of the mother and father to-be. I just get caught up in all the other going-on’s in my life because life as I know it won’t stand still for that beautiful moment. And I am perfectly happy for it to be that way.

People also ask me if I am worried that I will get attached to the baby. And my heart feels the very same way it did when this was all just hypothetical. Would I get attached to the baby? I never doubted that I would not. As always, this is not my angel. This is Hope’s and her family’s angel. However, I have gotten attached to one thing. I am very much in love with Hope and her family. They are family to me in every sense of the word. I am attached to our friendship, and it is one that I hope will never die. I am perfectly content to be attached to our friendship. It is a healthy and honest one. I don’t need more than that.

I have also had a lot on my mind regarding The Gospel. I was in the Temple the other day, and I remembered when Clark and I were sealed to one another. I was pregnant with Brynlee at the time, and I remembered the emotions that overwhelmed me. Knowing that our families are eternal. That we will continue on together after this life. Knowing that I was sealed not only to my husband, but also my children for all of time and eternity. I pondered on the Plan of Salvation. I was so thankful for the knowledge that I had that we all chose to come to this life, and that Heavenly Father organized families so that we did not have to face this life on our own. Those thoughts were so powerful when I was pregnant with Brynlee. And the other day, while sitting inside the Temple, I was overwhelmed by the emotions that flooded over me when it came to this baby. I am able to bring this baby into the world, into a home that recognizes The Gospel. This baby will be born into the covenant, and their family will be sealed together for all of time and eternity. This baby will be part of a family, just as Heavenly Father intended it, to lean on one another in this life so that no one has to go at it alone. And not only do I get to have my own family, and raise my own children to know the Savior, and lean on my own family in this life, and know the joys of being a mother, but I also get to be a small part of another family’s eternity. And to know that we are all children of our Heavenly Father. And that it is okay to reach out and lift one another, because we all want to return to live with him again. It is safe to say that I left the Temple absolutely sobbing, but ever so grateful for that experience, and to have that time to ponder on those eternal things. I love the Gospel. I love our Savior. I love the joy and peace that his atonement can bring into our lives. I love the knowledge that I have of the truth, and I am so grateful for all the blessings that have come into my life, because of that knowledge.

(Side thought -- We had an incredible lesson in Relief Society today, but one thing stuck out to me.

Finding

Adventure

In

Trusting

Him

I had never thought of Faith that way. I was uplifted and grateful for this small acronym. I hope that you might be able to apply it in your own life. (Sorry, but it has been tugging at my heart strings all afternoon)

I blogged for 4 hours a few weeks ago, and I had lots to say, but at the last minute, my computer glitched and I lost everything I had written. I have not had the umph to re-type everything I had to say, so this was just a small blog to catch up a little. Hope said that tomorrow night for Family Home Evening they are going to tell their little girls about the new baby :) She asked me to post a couple more pictures of my belly so that they could get on the blog and show their little ones. So below I have two more pictures of my oh-so-lovelyness ;)

Last, I have got to put in a plug for my massive migraines. I said this on facebook a while back, but when I was pregnant with Brynlee, my monster was heartburn. True blue heartburn from Hades. But with this pregnancy, my monster has been severe, crippling migraines. And I have only ever had a few in my lifetime, so I never realized how truly debilitating they could be, especially when they are so frequent. I think I might just take the injections over this right now…

Hope will be here in two weeks! We will get to find out what they are having! I am very excited to see her and go to the ultrasound. We fudged the date, so it is officially on March 8^th at 3:30 :) We will even get to videotape the ultrasound. I can’t wait.

While we are there, I am planning to talk to the doctor about these migraines.

Hope’s parents came to see me at work the other day! They popped in right as I was about to leave for the day, and we got to visit for a few minutes. They asked how their grandbaby was, and it was so fun to see them. I called Hope right away to tell her that it made my whole day :)

And last, I can feel the baby moving! In the last two weeks, I have been able to feel the baby all the time. Mostly when I am settling in for the night or relaxing on the couch. Lots of tiny flutters that last for quite a while. It has been so fun, and Hope said that it only makes everything feel more real. Her little baby is growing and getting stronger :) I love it!

Until next time…

Updates to Help Move Time Along :)

I woke up Thursday morning with spotting and cramps. Not really the thing I wanted to wake up to. Nothing was too severe, but the cramps were a little sharp and I was uncomfortable. I was bothered most by the memories of my last visit to the clinic. I wasn’t expecting anything that happened on that day, and I didn’t handle the shock that followed very well. I have worked way too hard; WE have all worked way too hard to get to where we are now for it all to end on a bad unexpected note. I didn’t want to call Hope, because I didn’t want her to worry if there was nothing to worry about. But I also couldn’t imagine being in her shoes and feeling so far away from everything. If it were me, I would want to know every little detail of everything that’s going on. So I called her bright and early. I knew she was worried, but I told her I would call her after I left my appointment at the clinic later that afternoon.

My appointment at the clinic was fantastic, other than the fact that I waited in my paper blanket for a half an hour while Brynlee and Brionna destroyed the exam room. As I sat on the edge of the table, Brynlee kept reaching up and shredding bits of paper off my blanket. When I was wearing nothing but a kleanex, it was time to find a new form of entertainment. I blew up latex gloves like balloons, which added an extra five minutes to our attention spans. I was relieved when Dr. Foulk finally came in. Hope’s little baby is growing perfectly. It is measuring at exactly two inches, and is very active. Dr. Foulk pointed out that if the baby was in any kind of distress, it would not be active. The heartbeat was strong, and we were all very happy to see that everything was perfect. So the spotting didn’t worry anyone, and we think it might just be my body taking care of the extra sacs that we lost a few weeks ago. Everyone at the clinic came to say their goodbyes since this was my last visit with them, and I won’t see them again until the baby is born and we all come back to visit. I’m gonna miss everyone at the clinic. I’ve grown fond of everyone there, and am so thankful for everything they’ve done for us all.

Brionna with her latex balloon. Dr Foulk drew Woody the Woodpecker for her :)

Latest ultrasound picture :)

Hope and Clark were both relieved that we were still on the right track. Everything seems like it will be smooth sailing from this point on. Hope mentioned in one of her blogs that we are at that point where nothing too exciting is happening, and there isn’t a whole lot to talk about for the next little while. Everything happens at the beginning or at the end, with the exception of finding out whether we are having a boy or a girl! I love to blog, but I’ve been told that I talk too much. A few people have mentioned that I go on and on and on and they lose interest and don’t care to read everything I have to say. On the other hand, I have dear friends that seem to hang on my every word, and anxiously wait for every new blog entry. I figure if you don’t want to read, you certainly don’t have too. I blog for me, and for those involved. I often ponder on aspects of this experience, and think of how I can put it all into words. Blogging is a tedious and long process for me. I do tend to ramble, and I often have a hard time putting my thoughts in coherent and eloquent sentences. It takes me about a week to mentally prepare to blog, and then I slowly find time to write a paragraph here and there. When it is convenient for me to sit down and write, Clark usually needs the computer for his online classes, therefore it’s not convenient for him. So for those of you patient enough to follow along, and for those of you who actively love to read my scribblings, I appreciate your participation :)

I had my first doctor’s appointment yesterday with Valley OBGYN’s. Their practice has 6 physicians that rotate through their clinic, and I will get to know most of those physicians throughout the pregnancy. I really liked Dr. Scott Jacobs, the physician that I met with yesterday. He was completely personable, and easy to talk to. He seemed excited to be there, and very supportive of the surrogacy. From the sound of it, this practice works with surrogates quite a bit. My first visit was pretty basic. Pee in a cup, draw some blood, listen to the baby’s heartbeat. Only we didn’t get to hear the baby’s heartbeat since my 15 month old was intent on screaming during my entire visit. So we more or less saw the digital 160 on the monitor instead. I will be back for my next visit in 4 weeks, and we scheduled our 20 week ultrasound! It is officially March 9^th at 2:00 in the afternoon, and Hope has already purchased her train tickets to come up! I am so excited she will get to be here for the ultrasound. She said the pregnancy hardly seems real all the way out in Illinois, which I completely understand. Pregnancy hardly seems real when you’re the one pregnant until you start to show. I can hardly wait. I will never understand the people out there that wait til the day their baby is born to find out what they are having! I have to know. The only way I seem to get through the pregnancy is by shopping and making baby stuff! I want to buy pink! I want to sew little green and blue blankets! More than anything, I want to PICK OUT NAMES! That’s my favorite part. And like I said, what else is supposed to get you through the 9 months of waiting? For Hope and her husband, I figure it has to be even more so. Their wait is going to seem like forever considering their baby is growing so far away. So we find out what they are having on March 9^th. It will be so fun, no matter what they are having! Another little princess would fit right in with their two darling girls. But a handsome little boy would just be the icing on the cake for their cute little family! Clark and I have two little girls, and oh boy do we think it would it be fun to have a little boy! We of course want to be able to send a son on a mission. And I of course want my stab at being the know-it-all mother-in-law that hovers a little too closely for my son and his wife! Haha. Seriously, I have a wonderful mother-in-law who always goes above and beyond, and who truly cares about her family, and Clark’s mother-in-law by no means “hovers,” but I want to have a daughter-in-law! This is my way of illustrating how much Clark and I want to have a son together, as bizarre as my reasonings sound :) As my imagination gets away from me, I only mean to put into words how much I would love to see Hope and her husband have their son also. I’m sure we can relate to each other on that subject. Anyways, if I am as excited as I am to find out, I can only imagine how excited they are to find out whether their new addition will be a prince or princess. Definitely looking forward to March :)

OH! January 2^nd was the most beautiful day in the whole wide world! I was officially done with ALL my injections on that blessed morning. I’m not gonna lie, the last week and a half of shots was the worst. I got to a point where I wanted to cry when my alarm went off, and I hated going into the kitchen to fill my syringes with thick yellow oil. The shots weren’t really even the worst part there at the end because I was so used to being sore. It was just going through the motions of having to deal with it that I hated. I am officially 10 days injection free, and my behind STILL HURTS. Mostly when I walk at a fast pace, or when Clark decides it’s funny to whack me from behind. And no matter how fast my fist flies, he still doesn’t believe that my bum hurts! The injections have of course been the hardest part of all this. If I had to continue the injections all the way to the end of the pregnancy, I don’t know if I would have been able to do it. I guess if it had been expected from the beginning maybe, but I’m so glad I’m done. All I worry about now is my prenatal vitamin, and that’s enough for me. I’m proud of myself though. It really wasn’t easy, but I’m able to say I did it.

One of my two bio-hazard canisters stuffed full with syringes and needles.

So here we are! Week 12, and I am certainly showing. I showed between 10 and 12 weeks with my little Brynlee, and it seems like my belly just popped out over night! I am officially wearing maternity pants, and I can’t do the last button on my coat. I am so glad to finally be out of that awkward stage where I’m getting bigger, but to everyone else I’m just letting myself go. People would look at me and seem to say, “Good grief… just suck it in!” I am relieved to be past that point.

Me in my oh-so-attractive pink donut shirt

The day of my first doctor's appointment :)

Morning sickness continually gets worse. I am thankful to have my Zofran. It’s much worse in the mornings of course, and I am usually up for work by 4am. It’s tough, but I knew this would be the case when we very first started all this. Heartburn is also making a consistent appearance. Bummer. It came early with Brynlee & was so severe, that I honestly think a lot of damage was done, and the heartburn now is just an unfortunate side effect of all that damage. I’m also extremely constipated for those of you who feel like I don’t share too much already. Not something I LOVE announcing, but it comes with the territory.

It’s fun to think about the delivery. It’s fun to talk about it with Hope. She is so cute. She gets emotional when we talk about it, and she starts talking so fast that I just have to smile. She said the other day that it’s so crazy to think that the baby is two inches long, when all she has ever focused on was that itty bitty embryo. I remember her telling me that she never allowed herself to dream past the transfer. And now she gets to dream about holding her newest little angel.

I have to share with you the Christmas present that Hope sent to me. She sent it right before we found out we were down to a single baby, but I still love it just the same. It’s a maternity shirt with a beautiful message. And I already told her that I still plan to wear it. I was still in a state of shock when I first got it, and Clark and I both teared up when we opened the package. I think it’s beautiful and I just had to share :)

People are so fascinated to hear that I’m pregnant with another family’s baby. It’s a fun conversation piece, and I never get sick of talking about it. They ask where I found my intended family and like Hope has said before, you sure get weird looks when you mention Craigslist! I just laugh. It really is the last place I would ever think to find something or someone so important. But if she had never posted that add on Craigslist, I never would have found her. And we are a perfect fit for each other. People always ask if I’m doing it for a friend, and it’s a funny response. Yes I’m doing it for a friend! But I didn’t know her or her family before any of this started. Which of course isn’t what they were asking, but how do I answer that?! Nevertheless, being pregnant with a friend’s baby is awful exciting, and always fun to talk about :)

Hope called me the other day and asked if I thought it would be totally cheesy to have professional pictures done of her and I.

A) I am a picture fanatic and LOVED the idea, and

B) thought for sure that there was a way to take genuine and sentimental pictures without being cheesy.

She told me she spent time online trying to get some ideas, and now that I look at her blog, I laugh and realize it wasn’t much help at all :) She did however, have the most perfect idea in the entire world! She pitched it to me, and I ran around the house enthusiastically trying to make Clark picture exactly what we were going to do! (He of course doesn’t have my vision and can almost never see something before it’s right in front of him) He smiled and shook his head at me cuz he knew that once I had a picture in my head, there was no stopping me. I am so excited. This surrogacy picture will be unlike any other! I can’t wait :)

I just had to take a good picture of our Wall-hanging from the clinic

At this point we are just slowly growing a baby. Nothing too exciting to report, but I will blog as thoughts come to mind. For now, Clark and I plan to renew our gym membership so we don’t feel like total blobs. Staying active will help us feel good and will get us out of the house. I am working to get my house in order. It certainly invites the spirit into your home when it is clean and orderly. My Brionna is in dance classes, and I certainly stay busy. We had a wonderful Christmas in Port Angeles, Washington with my family, and it was sure nice to get out of town. Life continues, and right now Clark and I are working hard to do those things that improve our quality of life. We have set many goals, and are making changes for the better. It will always be something that we have to consistently work at, but that has been the theme in our lives these last few weeks.

Tata for now, I’ll be in touch : )

A Lot Can Change in a Week...

I was reminded this weekend that no matter how hard I try, I’m not always the one in control. I went in for another ultrasound on Friday, and I wasn’t expecting half of what we found out. I was told that our third baby’s heartbeat had stopped. I was told that despite what I had been told by the nurses on that very first day, the baby had been significantly behind the other two from the beginning. Its little heartbeat was slower than the other two, and from the very beginning, the doctor expected that we would not be able to hang onto our third little one. My heart sank a little. But he made it very clear that he suspected this would happen, and that it was probably for the best. Triplets had made him a little nervous. What came next was even more unexpected. Our second baby, the one that would have been a healthy twin, had split, which meant we were altogether pregnant with 4 babies. Only the identical twins that now shared a sac were both gone as well. One was of course stronger than its twin, and neither of them made it. So in reality, we lost 3 babies. I didn’t say anything to the doctor when he explained what he found to me. I couldn’t find words. My heart sank even more. He explained that all the babies that we lost were gone for a very specific reason. It wasn’t just some freak thing that happened. I couldn’t help but think, well am I gonna come back in a week and find out we lost our last little one? He assured me that our healthy and strong baby is on the far right side of my uterus and the others are all on the left. He was very confident that they would just disappear without bothering or affecting our healthy baby. He also said that he was quite relieved that mother nature took care of the risks on her own. He said that identical twins inside one sac along with the triplet would have been so risky, and there was almost no chance at all that the babies sharing a sac would have made it longer than 20 weeks or so. And If we lost them that late in the pregnancy, we would most likely have lost the entire pregnancy altogether, resulting in no babies at all. He said it was a blessing that the pregnancy took care of itself, and now we are pregnant with one strong healthy singleton baby that will without a doubt be safe and just as normal as all my other pregnancies. This was a small silver lining in a dark cloud of disappointment and sadness. He asked me if I wanted to call Hope, or if he should. I just sat there. What on earth would I say to her? I could never be the one to deliver such news. I wouldn’t even know how to explain it all to her. I hadn’t even had a chance to wrap my mind around it all. I sat there and watched him repeat everything he had said to me, to Hope. The nurse that was in the room with us kept glancing over at me, and I couldn’t bring myself to meet her eyes. I just watched my doctor’s mouth move, and then my mind started racing. I didn’t want to leave that small room at the clinic. I just wanted to stay inside, by myself, and not see or talk to anyone. I wanted to stay there and pretend we still had three babies that were all going to be perfect, because I was so sure and so excited. When he was finished talking to Hope, he handed me the phone and him and the nurse left the room. I lifted the phone to my ear, and a quiet and hesitant Hope whispered, “how are you?” I still didn’t know, and I stammered something that I’m sure was inaudible before I started to cry. Dangit I didn’t want to cry. She was at someone’s house picking up her girls, just standing on their front porch. She was in no position herself to discuss her thoughts, or to try and talk it through with me. I did my best. I can hardly remember our conversation. I remember saying, I can understand the one that was a little behind, but then one split and we had four babies! The doctor said the odds were somewhere like 1 in 15,000 that this would have even happened, and that he had never ever seen this before in his career. I walked out of my little room and I still hadn’t managed to get a grip. Dr. Foulk came over to me and gave me a hug. They were all very sweet. We scheduled our next visit and they gave me my weaning schedule for my injections. They said I could start weaning on December 26^th, and that it was their Christmas present to me. I said goodnight, and headed home. I still had thoughts running through my mind, and I was dreading walking through the door and having to tell Clark. He had been so cute. He took to calling the babies by their last name, and he would ask, “How are our little “Nelson” babies doing?” So when he asked this time, I just managed, “Well some things have changed,” and then I started to cry some more. Good grief, I just wanted to hold it together long enough to put two sentences together. I explained to him what we found during the ultrasound. He just hugged me and I cried. He was so sad, which made it that much harder. Clark has started hosting an online radio show once a week for Mitt Romney Radio, and his first live broadcast was in an hour. He was still trying to wrap his mind around what I had told him, yet he needed to go live in a matter of minutes. He started saying over and over, “I need to cancel. I just need to cancel. I can’t do this right now.” He started walking in circles, pacing back and forth and talking faster and faster. I sat him down, told him to put it out of his mind for the next hour, and go on with his show. He had already been nervous, but now he was in the bathroom getting sick. I took the girls, and left the house so he could have it quiet. We got dinner, and took our time getting home. Clark managed to do very well on his very first broadcast, and his parents and Hope and her husband were able to listen in. Hope blogged during Clark’s show. She told me the whole time during his broadcast, they wondered whether or not Clark knew about the babies, considering he was doing so well. I didn’t sleep well that night, and the whole next morning at work, I was a mess. I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it. But I was emotional and tired and grouchy, so I eventually said something to my boss. I knew that if everyone reacted the way she did, I was screwed. It occurred to me that day just how much I thought about Hope, and the babies and the pregnancy. I didn’t realize just how often it all popped into my head until now. Because now, every time it crossed my mind, I physically felt sick. Then my girlfriend showed up to work, and in the midst of being super busy, she was trying to ask how my ultrasound went. Gah. I made it through work, and slowly through the weekend. I wasn’t ready to read Hope’s blog yet. Clark read it, but I waited. I didn’t want to know the hurt they were feeling. I was emotional as it was; I knew I wasn’t going to handle reading her blog very well. As the weekend went by, I was slowly able to sort out my feelings a little more. I hated the idea of un-announcing triplets. I had been so unbelievably excited. I had been confident, anxious and positively ready. I was also heartbroken for Hope and her husband. They had the hardest time wrapping their minds around triplets. When they finally did, all they could do was talk excitedly about the prospect. They talked about having their “instant family” and how much their lives were going to change. She said they were planning to hire a full time nurse maid to help with all three babies. She told me I had a Christmas present in the mail that had to do with the triplets. Hope would tell me about how excited they all were. And now this. Talk about emotional whip-lash. For them, and for Clark and I. He had a hard time wrapping his mind around triplets also. Now we are trying to unwrap our minds. The emotions that I have felt have all been very foreign to me. A whole new set of emotions that can only come with being a surrogate. I am not even sure how to put it all into words. I am sad for the loss of their babies, not my own. It is their loss. Their children; and it breaks my heart. It has had nothing to do with the fact the babies were within me. This has been, in some ways, an assurance to me that I will not attach myself to babies that are not mine. I always knew this about myself, but I guess you can never truly KNOW until you are in the situation specifically. I have definitely felt the emotional whip-lash myself. Even though I was excited, I was doing everything in my power to prepare for a high risk pregnancy. I was trying to get my house in order. I was trying to organize our life financially so I could leave my job when the time was right. I was trying to prepare myself mentally for what would have been at least 10 weeks or so of hospitalization, on top of bed rest. I was also trying to prepare my body physically for triplets. It’s not that I was nervous or worried about any of these things, but they were constantly on my mind.

As a mother pregnant with your own child, you spend your nine months of pregnancy thinking about EVERYTHING. The pregnancy, labor and delivery, being a new mother, what it will be like to finally see your new baby, and making sure your family adjusts to the newest member of your family. You think of baby names, you get to buy stuff, you get to make stuff, and have a babyshower. You of course get to imagine what the next 18 years will be like. You plan for your child’s future. You plan for dance lessons, baseball practice, scouts, schooling, college, missions, and marriage. You get to put your heart and soul into being the best mother you possibly can, and you know it doesn’t end in nine months. As a surrogate, my only job is to grow a healthy baby, and that’s it. The only part I get to plan for is the next 9 months. The pregnancy, the labor and the delivery. Because I am not investing all my time, energy and love into the next 18 years, I am putting all that I normally would into my part alone. If all I have a part in is the pregnancy, then I will put everything I have into making sure I eat healthy, rest when necessary, take my vitamins and medications as instructed, make my appointments, and prepare for delivery. I guess my point is that because we were having triplets, the amount of emotions and energy I started to invest just lead to stronger whip-lash. I also wanted so badly to be able to give them more than one baby. I think losing one would have been a little easier to handle than losing two or three. Twins would have been so wonderful.

People aren’t sure how to react to the news. But one thing I can’t stand hearing is that “it’s probably for the best.” “It’s safer. Less risk.” Or here’s another one that gets me. “At least you still have one.” Hope, Hope’s husband, Clark, Dr. Foulk and I have all tried to find the blessings that have come from this. We have a safer low-risk pregnancy that will most likely make it to full term. We still have one little baby growing safely inside. It has significantly lessened the financial burden placed upon Hope and her husband. But none of this seems good enough. Not for any of us. We are all torn in both directions. We see the good, and we are sad for what was lost. We had embraced the idea and we welcomed triplets. Un-announcing has been hard. I haven’t been able to blog. I haven’t really known what to say. I would much rather have people read the news though than explain what happened to each person individually. Hope has a blog that explains what someone should do to show their love and support when someone is hurting. You say you’re sorry, and you love them. You don’t ask how they are, because they feel like they have to lie. You don’t try to comfort or “fix” it by saying, “it’s probably for the best” or “at least you still have …….” It’s hard to see reason when you’re sad and hurting. My mother-in-law was wonderful about this when she heard the news. She was genuine and it was simple. “I’m so very sorry.” I appreciated her for that. I wondered if it would be easier to see this as –-we transferred 3 embryos and one took. -- It’s not that simple of course, because it’s harder to lose something that you had, than to never have had it in the first place. I was just so excited. And now I’m truly paranoid that we will lose the only one we have left. I wasn’t expecting the news we got on Friday, therefore now I’m afraid of finding out something else that will completely blind side me. I don’t want to be this way though, and I’m sure the paranoia will wane over time, but it’s hard to not think that way right now. I am not a negative person, and I don’t want this to turn me into a pessimistic downer that is always afraid of what MIGHT happen. I know the Lord has had his hand in this. No matter how I am feeling right now, I shall always come back to that. He has his reasons. There are things I need to experience, trials I need to face, lessons I need to learn. And I will be judged on how I handle those trials. I am thankful, despite the sadness we feel, for our healthy little one growing right now. I am thankful for Hope and her husband. Despite how they are feeling, they have not made me feel guilty or to blame whatsoever. I am thankful for the safer pregnancy and for the burden that has been lifted from Clark’s shoulders.

I had a thought the other day. This thought has not had a ton of time to be processed or smoothed over, but maybe it will make some sense to you. I don’t think I could ever do this for a relative or a loved one. People I talk to say the only way they could ever do this is if it were for a loved one. I have to disagree. There are so many things that could go wrong. It’s kind of like, you never go into business with family, or you never involve finances with family. Same idea. You don’t know what will happen, and you don’t know how people will react. Whether it’s your sister or your cousin. What if I was having a baby for my sister, and the baby was still born? Would she hold me accountable when it was nobody’s fault? Would there be feelings of mourning that would forever be associated with me? And years from now, on Christmas, would my sister still look at me and only see her still born baby? I think it’s dangerous. In a perfect world, situations like this would never happen. But I would never risk those feelings among family. What if I do somehow become attached to the child? And that child was forever at family gatherings, birthdays, weddings and holidays. You wouldn’t be able to separate yourself from those feelings, or the child for that matter. I think it’s too risky. What if money became an issue? Someone feels like they were taken advantage of. People show their true colors in times such as these. Even family. Just as they do when you go into business with family. It’s not wise. Therefore I don’t think I would ever be a surrogate for someone close to me and risk that relationship. In this situation with Hope, things were understood from the beginning, and although it is a business transaction, it doesn’t need to be treated as such. We have gained a love and a friendship that can last a lifetime because of the intimate thing we are doing together. But if things went wrong, we wouldn’t be forced to spend Christmas and birthdays together every year. I say this because it was a thought I had, and because I hear quite often that someone would only consider doing this for family or friends. For those of you who read this and have similar thoughts, it’s just something to think about. I pray that nothing like that ever ever happens between Hope and I. I would be heartbroken. I just wanted to share my thoughts on the subject.

On a similar note, it is easy to think that when something does goes wrong, it is your fault. The thought crossed my own mind when I found out we lost three of the four babies. I know that for women who have miscarriages, the thought can cross their mind, and they can find ways to blame themselves. I caught myself wondering, “was it something I did?” Thoughts such as these can eat you alive and they are dangerous. I know this was nobody’s fault. There was a logical medical explanation as to what happened with this pregnancy. Thoughts such as these have everything to do with the adversary trying to bring doubt and negativity into your life.

Ultimately, I think I’m doing a little better now that I have had time to get over the shock of the loss. I am thankful that Hope and her husband were prepared for news such as this, it has seemed to make it a little easier for them to swallow. They had braced themselves for news such as this from the moment they found out we were having triplets. I am sad that the excitement of multiple babies is no more. I am thankful for my husband who has been truly incredible throughout this entire process. I love him more than life itself.

We are back on for a due date of July 21^st, 2012. We don’t know whether we are having a boy or a girl, so it will be exciting to find out in the next 10 weeks or so! A lot can change in a week and I am reminded that my Heavenly Father is in control, not I. I thank you all for your love and support. I am still so happy to be a part of this journey. Here’s to the next 31 weeks!

Hope's Blog :)