and now we wait...

  The last 48 hours have been a blast! 

Corey and Randy got to our house around 4:30 on Wednesday, and they were just as wonderful as we knew they would be :) I didn't feel like it was like meeting them for the first time, it was just finally getting together after a long time. Does that even make sense? Man they're tall! That was my first impression haha :) Randy is 6' 6." One of the funniest emails was when Corey was joking and was like, "don't worry, Jaxston was only 7 lbs, so our babies aren't TOO big!" haha. But even Corey towered over me. I've always been 4' 11 1/2"and just barely broke 5 feet in the last year or so... 

but they are awesome. 

They came in and Corey had little gift bags for everyone! She got the girls the cutest little Dora coloring activity sets, gifts for Clark, and for me. 

 The girls coloring and covering daddy in Dora stickers :)

 They absolutely LOVED their new presents :)

The 5 pack of pregnancy tests just kills me every time :)

And Corey gave me a darling bracelet that matches the same one she wears! SO CUTE! I love it.

We visited for an hour before we headed out to dinner. We laughed and visited, and it was just like catching up with old friends. It felt the same way with Hope and her hubby, and that's what we always loved about them. Our friendships were easy. They didn't feel forced or awkward. So we headed to our all time favorite restaurant, TUCANO'S! Oh man we love that place. Everyone ate their weight in food, and then splurged on dessert. Such a fun evening.

The restaurant was really dark, so these pictures were terrible.

I tried to brighten them up, but this is as good as they're gonna get. 

Tucano's is amazing. So yummy! Thank you again guys for treating us to dinner :)

At one point, Randy made a comment about how once the transfer is over, there will be this sweet sense of finality. Obviously there is still that waiting game, but for them, this is the end of their long hard road to trying to add to their family. There are always new options to consider. Adoption, egg donors, etc. They said they felt like a line needed to be drawn, or they would drive themselves crazy always wondering what their future might hold. It made complete sense to Clark and I, and it was really insightful. I've pondered on that a lot since that night. They had the 2 embryos, and they felt like they needed to at least give those a chance before they called it quits. They said, now that the transfer is over, there's no more planning. No more constantly trying to work out the next steps to the next plan. Hearing them say that, I myself could feel this weight being lifted off my shoulders, as if I too felt their burden of constantly fighting this battle of trying to have another child. I know they are putting everything into this journey, and I will be heartbroken if we don't have a positive pregnancy result, but I felt like I could sleep a little better the night of the transfer knowing it was closure for them.

With that being said, I REALLY WANT THIS TO WORK FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE!!

The transfer went wonderfully. Corey and Randy took me to my appointment. We visited in the waiting room for another half an hour waiting for the valium to do it's thing (it never does.) I had to pee so bad I thought I was gonna have to call for clean-up on Aisle 7. But they want you to have a full bladder for the transfer so they can see what they're doing.

I told them that I was teasing Clark before I walked out the door and said, "Well just think! There's no chance of me coming home and telling you we ended up transferring 3 embryos this time!" haha. I thought I was pretty funny, he didn't laugh as much as I did ;) haha. I also said to him, "You know, we spend all our time trying to prepare ourselves for the fact that this might not work at all, that we don't really prepare ourselves for the fact that this could also easily be twins." We talked about that for a few minutes before it was time for me to go to my appointment. Corey also said they would both just absolutely LOVE IT if they had twins.

When it was time to go back for the transfer, Corey was able to go with me :) We sat and visited and took pictures of each other.

We were anxious to find out about how the embryos did in the thaw. Dr. Conway came in (she's wonderful BTW and I absolutely adore her) we found out that one embryo is doing wonderfully, and the other embryo is just a little bit behind. Still viable (which means it's still worth transferring, we didn't lose it completely or anything) but it's just not as strong as the other. It made me think of Hope's transfer. There were 2 beautiful strong embryos, and one that was still viable, but not as big as the other two. Ultimately, all 3 of them stayed, and then one even split in half, but we didn't keep them all in the end. So in my head I was just thinking, I guess we did originally keep that little embryo that wasn't quite as strong, but not indefinitely. Wasn't sure what to think. But we were both relieved and glad there was at least one good strong embryo. We of course transferred both.

(Oh, we also got the results of that second blood test confirming that I would in fact need to be on either Lovanox or Hepron during the entire pregnancy because of the risk of developing blood clots. The lovnox is an injection once a day for the ENTIRE pregnancy, but it's really expensive. If the insurnace doesn't cover most of that, then plan B is the Hepron, which is cheaper, but it's an injection TWICE a day for the ENTIRE pregnancy. Fun stuff...)

Lights went off, and it seems like everyone and their dog has to be up in your business during the transfer. The valium is supposed to relax you. Not that simple with metal gadgets, a spot light, and male embryologists you've never met. But it's all good. It's part of the game I guess. We got to watch the transfer take place on the ultrasound screen. They have an ultrasound monitor on my tummy and they watch the screen to be able to see what they're doing. They insert the embryos with a catheter (which is why they do a water ultrasound during an earlier appointment to see how well the catheter does during the whole process.) You can see the little white bubbles being nestled all snug about 10mm into your lining? I dunno... I think that's right. Maybe not the lining, but just the uterus. I can't remember. Anyway, altogether it only takes about 5 minutes. They were joking the whole time and teasing me about my modelesque and positively gorgeous "thick lining" and uterus. haha. They were laughing about how wonderful a complement like that is. "Oh Vanessa! Your uterus, and your lining! Simply beautiful! What a compliment!" haha. But seriously, they were all laughing and making me laugh, and I'm supposed to be holding still and - NOT USING MY STOMACH MUSCLES MAYBE?  :)

Inside the circle you can see the white pockets, which are holding the embryos :) k maybe you can't really see. who can really read these things anyway?

So once they were finished, they scooted me up onto the pillow and had me lay there for a solid 20 minutes. Corey and I visited some more. I asked her if it was totally surreal being in Utah and transferring her embryos into someone she didn't really know? We laughed and talked about how crazy it all was, and how she never expected to have a life similar to those you read on all those blogs out in the world! Crazy sauce.

I was finally allowed to go potty. I got the run down of bed rest, "princess days," no nothing anytime ever anywhere. I had started new medications a couple days ago, but that day would be the start of the progesterone suppositories on top of all the shots. (yes my bum hurts, and I sit on heating pads all day long) but so far it's been manageable :)

They took me home, and that's when my valium kicked in. Clark went and got me Cafe Rio, (if you haven't had their sweet pork, you're life hasn't started yet) and I crashed hard before he even got home. He's the best :) I ate, and we watched Criminal Minds before he went to class. (Brionna's sweetheart primary teacher, Aubrey, kept the girls for me for the evening, and another good friend of mine, Sarah, watched the girls the night we went out to dinner. Thank you ladies, you're the best!) I took it easy the rest of the night, and Corey and Randy sent a few texts that night making sure I was doing okay. They left for the airport the next morning (this morning i guess) so HOPEFULLY I will be seeing them again! I hope I hope!

Today has been uneventful, despite the constant meltdowns of a two year old. But Clark will be waking up soon (since he works graveyard) and we plan to have a nice evening as a family.

We all want this to work. What a bummer ending it will be if this is it. Oh I hope this isn't it. They changed how they do the pregnancy tests at the clinic. Instead of doing a blood draw on like day 6, and then another one on like day 10 to confirm that HCG levels are rising, they just do their first pregnancy test on day 10. So my appointment to see if we're pregnant is on February 4th! and that's just the blood draw. The waiting will of course be torture. It's all consuming. Randy has a business trip, which I'm super jealous about. For two reasons. 1) he's going to Florida and it's like 12 degrees out where I'm at, and 2) what a great way to take your mind off the waiting! Corey said they are planning something fun over next weekend to help pass the time and keep their minds off the "what if." I have to stay busy or I'll drive myself mad. I'm so anxious. I'm having my "Princess Days," and I just sit here and stare at a picture of my dumb uterus in my mind WILLING THOSE LITTLE EMBRYOS TO GRAB ON!!

So stay tuned. I'm sure I'll be peeing on sticks in a few days. But I don't know if I'll be announcing those results yet. We shall see.

and think: sticky STICKY sticky STICKY!!