The Pain is Weighing Me Down...

This won't be a long blog post... I have no energy, and my arms are in a lot of pain. 

Today is June 18th, and I should officially be induced on July 19th :) A solid Month to go. My doctor said that date should work out great. We are all getting very excited! IT's the final stretch... and i've got lots on my mind, but one thing in particular. 

This has been, by far, my hardest pregnancy. i say that simply based on the fact that it is my most recent pregnancy. Like I've said before, it seems like I've got every symptom in the book, but I am discovering that the book is ridiculously big. I don't know how much more i can take. With my first pregnancy, I was just sick the entire time, it was hard on my body, and I got those darn Charlie horses quite a bit. With my second, it seemed about the same, only that unbelievably uncomfortable sensation where the baby's head is down and it pinches and you feel like the baby is going to come out was new. At first I thought something was always wrong, but I've had it with every pregnancy since. This is when the sciatic nerve also showed itself. Then with my 3rd, the incredibly severe acid reflux showed up, along with the restless legs. My feet and legs also swelled up for the first time. (it was sexy) With this 4th pregnancy, I have experienced a stretch of severe migraines, followed by what I feel is the worst symptom of all. 

In the last few weeks, I have developed what appears to be "Carpal Tunnel During Pregnancy." Everyone's gonna have a different opinion, or a different name for it, but ultimately my arms from the shoulder to my fingertips ache and throb at all times, and if I don't baby my arms, the go insanely tingly, like when your foot  falls into that painful sleep. The pain is constant, the tingly numbness is just an afterthought. My knuckles throb, and doing anything with my hands hurts like hell. It hurts to text, hold a sandwich, hold onto the steering wheel, type, hold my camera, edit my pictures, hold a phone up to my ear,  change my baby's diapers, do my/my girls' hair, and so on. I could probably go on forever. One of the hardest things right now is the fact that it hurts to drive, but if I don't drive, I get incredibly car sick. I've had to choose my poison, and for the last 72 hours, my husband has driven and I've opted  for carsickness. We were driving back from Heber on Father's day, and I had to have him pull over 3 times so I could ralph on the side of the road. I can hardly believe i've chosen the carsickness over the pain in my arms. Does that give you some idea of how bad it is right now? I can't handle it. THe very worst part of this is sleeping at night. That's when it's the worst. I spend the night in tears, and i've been getting about 2 hours of sleep a night. I start dreading bedtime around 3 in the afternoon. I've figured out that it's the worst when I sleep lying down, so now I sleep in a chair. How much sleep can a person get sleeping sitting up, with a big belly, restless legs, and extreme pain in their arms all night long. It was so bad two nights ago that I almost went to the emergency room around 3am. I almost woke Clark up and told him I was leaving. I almost called hope. But i always end up with that voice in my head that says, if you're not gushing blood and dying, you don't need to go to the emergency room. That voice always says, there's really nothing they can do. They'll tell you to drink lots of water and rest. At least that's all I ever get from the ER. Anyway, I almost went in. But i didn't. And I'm still here, i haven't died I guess. So this whole pain in the arms business... reared it's ugly head in the 3rd trimester. 

But the thing that's been on my mind lately is how much I'm not looking forward to my next couple of pregnancies. There is officially a pattern of symptoms getting worse with each new pregnancy, followed by another couple of miserable symptoms. That book just keeps getting bigger. My doctor confirmed my worries about harder pregnancies after this one. My husband is worried, and feels like we should maybe wait a bit before having another baby. I can't shake the feeling that we need to continue our family and not put anything on hold. I would rather have my body back permanently when we are all finished having kids than just delay the inevitable misery a few months. My mom thinks I should be done having kids altogether. I'm not finished having children, I'm just so discouraged right now at what's ahead for me.  It's all I can think about. 

When we started this whole surrogacy process, I knew I hated being pregnant. I didn't go into this naive or uninformed. I knew I could get through 9 months. I feel the same way about the pregnancies I have ahead of me. The sacrifice of putting my body through all this is worth it to me. There is nothing more important I could be doing than bringing these beautiful children into the world. Especially when I see how many women out there struggle with having children on their own. If I can, then by golly I'm gonna. It seems selfish to let these hard symptoms stop me. I remember qualifying to be a surrogate because "I had good pregnancies." That meant, I didn't have anything dangerous or life threatening. That is still the case. If "miserable pregnancies" disqualified me, then I wouldn't be here now. 

Man I don't mean to sound so negative. I have never once regretted carrying Hope's baby. This whole experience has been once in a lifetime. I mean being a part of something so special. Something bigger than your average every other day. I am able to take so much away from this. I am so grateful for the entire experience. My thoughts above are simply the thoughts that have been weighing me down about my own situation and what I still have to go through in my own life. It's a lot to think about. 

Other than the pain and discomfort I've been in, I have been unbelievably busy. Going a hundred miles a minute doesn't seem to carry enough weight behind it. I am almost all packed and ready to move. I will just have to pack up my kitchen and the bathrooms when moving day comes. We are moving to another apartment within our complex, which I'm excited about. The timing just kinda sucks. We are scheduled to move the first week of July... and I am scheduled to induce the end of the second week of July. I am hoping to be all settled before the induction. I really don't want to be surrounded by chaos and living out of boxes during my recovery. I don't think that's too much to ask... although the management around here doesn't seem to think so. It'll be interesting. 

Other than the pregnancy and moving, we have been busy with birthdays, father's day, job interviews, finances, photo shoots, school, our family, and life in general. It's been a little crazy around here. July only promises to be more insane. I think I'm looking forward to a quiet August.

I am down to having my Doctor's appointments once a week. They will check my cervix on Thursday. With all of my pregnancies, I usually dilate to a 3 or 4 for a good week or two before all my inductions. Contractions are slowly starting. That's pretty normal for me. When I was pregnant with my 3rd, we tried everything to send me into labor. Longs walks on a nightly basis, jumping on trampolines, massages and acupuncture that were supposed to induce labor, and I even drank castor oil. That last one sent me into insane contractions and i went to the hospital, but my body just wouldn't progress. I just can't seem to go into labor on my own. Just once I want to experience waking up at 3 am and saying to Clark, "It's time!" But i'm not holding my breath. So I'm not too worried about moving up 3 flights of stairs a week before my due date. If I blog about being dilated and effaced, don't get too excited ;)

That's really all that I have going on right now. I am looking forward to Hope's arrival in 3 weeks, along with my son who comes to stay with me for the summer :) Lots to do! I'll be in touch!