From Cautiously Optimistic to Pleasantly Optimistic…

If I were to say that this last week has been full of anxiety, torment and torture, it would be the understatement of the century. Anxiety doesn’t even come close to describing how hard it’s been waiting and not knowing. Hope was absolutely right when she said this would be the longest 12 days of our lives. I cannot handle the not knowing. Neither can Hope for that matter. I try to distract myself and occupy my time, but it doesn’t work. I try to not think about the fact I’m just barely halfway there. The 14^th might as well be next year. Hope has emailed me a time or two. I talked to her on the phone Sunday, and she sounded just like I felt. I was incredibly emotional on Sunday. I was a rollercoaster. One minute I was crying, the next I was grouchy. Then I was tired, then I was crying again. Poor Clark has been so patient with me. I know it’s all the hormones, on top of the waiting. I have been so tired lately. Much more tired than I normally am with my early morning job. I go to bed every night by 8pm, but I can’t hardly keep my eyes open by 7:30. I have chalked it up to all the hormones. I was really nauseous on the third day after the transfer. Then I had a dream that the nausea was the embryos finally attaching. Talk about torture. Now every time I seem a little nauseated, I try to gage my surroundings. Am I just too warm? How long ago did I eat? Could it really be? But that dream was NOTHING compared to the one I had two nights ago. Good Grief. It was so vivid, and ever so real. In my dream I took a pregnancy test, and there were two pink lines! I was so excited that I took another, and another, and another, until I had a whole pile of pink lines. I was sure. I called Hope and I could see her face when I told her about the pile of pee sticks! The joy that reflected off her face was so real. I started to cry the moment she did. When I woke up, I thought it had all been real. I was elated with the news that we were pregnant. I was so happy, I was so relieved, and I was so glad that we FINALLY KNEW! And then the realization set in that it was the middle of the night and I was no closer to knowing. I had to go back to wondering and waiting. It was even harder than just not knowing. I wished the dream had never happened. Now that I’d seen what her face would look like, I couldn’t bear the thought of having it be any other way. I felt like crying at the thought of her disappointed face if this didn’t work out. And the dreams just kept coming. More and more, and they were all so random and vivid. I dreamed the same way when I was first pregnant with Brynlee. I started peeing on pregnancy tests only two days after the transfer. I knew I shouldn’t. I knew that seeing only one pink line would make me a little sad, and a little discouraged. It was of course silly to think there would be any kind of results after only 48 hours, but I couldn’t help it. I wanted to know the moment there was any sort of change, and I was curious as to how soon anything would show. So I continued to take the pregnancy tests. At least two a day, with no change, which I knew was to be expected, but again, I couldn’t help it. When I woke up yesterday morning after having that dream, I was even worse. I had a harder day yesterday. It was day 6. Halfway point. I tried so hard to not think about it. But I still took a test that morning. Still nothing. I ran errands, I went and bought a whole cartful of pregnancy tests while I was out, and I couldn’t even wait ‘til I got home. I went potty in Walmart, and again, no surprise at all, there was only one pink line. I still didn’t know. Every time I took a test, I told myself to get a grip, and just stop until you at least had a chance. But since I of course have no self control, that wasn’t really going to happen. I came home from Walmart, cleaned, sewed, ate, and played with my girls. Clark got home and we had a nice evening together, but he could tell I was a little off. My visiting teachers came over, then the girls went to bed. And of course, as I was getting ready for bed, I took another test. The Walmart test was only like 5 hours ago, so of course nothing would have changed. Only this time, there were two little pink lines! I ran out of the bathroom and showed Clark. My head was spinning, but I was so happy to finally see two pink lines! I knew, and I had to continually remind myself that it could be a false positive, and that I still needed to wait for the blood tests, but in all honesty, I didn’t care at all. All the discouraging and hopeless feelings that I had been flooded with over the last 6 days instantly disappeared. All I needed to see was those two pink lines. Right away Clark said, don’t you dare tell Hope. You don’t need to get her hopes up. “You’re right, I know,” I said. Only I went straight for my phone. I couldn’t help it. I emailed her and said, “I have such a good feeling!” But then I thought, I can’t wait for her to check her email. So I texted her and said, “Clark told me not to say anything, but I think I’m pregnant!” My finger had been off the send button for half a second when the phone started to ring. Clark glared at me. I bounced into my bedroom and told her there were two pink lines! “How pink is the pink line!” She asked. “Pretty Pink!” I sang. I was laughing as I talked, I couldn’t control myself. I was thrilled. She started talking so fast I could hardly understand her. We both knew we still needed to wait for blood results, but it was good enough for us at that very moment. Oddly enough, she said that it had been the hardest day for her also. She had wanted to call me all day, but didn’t want to seem too pesky. Of course she wouldn’t have bothered me one bit, I just wouldn’t have had anything new to tell her. She said she was imagining herself there with the little pregnancy test, seeing the pink lines for the first time. It was her baby. She was pregnant and they were going to have a baby! I was so happy for her. I told her that I would let her know if I got another positive result on another test. So here it is : ) I took another one before bed, I took a test in the middle of the night, another one first thing this morning when Clark did my Progesterone Injection, and then I took another one an hour ago.

The very top test is the first one from last night.

I'd say those pink lines are pretty pink.

And the one from an hour ago!

It’s good enough for me right now. I have every confidence that we will get great results tomorrow and again in the 14^th. I told Clark that seeing these pink lines was so different than when they were my babies. He didn’t know what to think of that at first, but I explained that I never had to work for my babies. I never even suspected I was pregnant ‘til I got a positive result on a test. They were easy! But I have worked so much harder for this. So much effort has gone into this. Weaning Brynlee from nursing, getting everything lined up, the blood draws, the blogs, the injections in the tummy, the painful injections in my bum, the pills, the transfer, the suppositories, the waiting, the not knowing. All of it has led up to whether or not I have two little pink lines! And although it is such a joy to see them, it is of course a different kind of joy than when it is my own child. It is a joy that I feel for Hope, her husband, her family, my family, and myself. It encompasses so much. So here I am. Day 7. We transferred the embryos one week ago today. Waiting for the 14^th won’t be nearly as hard now. I’ve heard that if your carrying multiples, it can show sooner because of the extra amounts of hormones. Does anyone have any real information on that by chance? Google only has so much to offer. I won’t let myself worry about it though. For now I’m happy and content.

I have gone from being cautiously optimistic to pleasantly and positively optimistic : )