Not Really Sure What To Think...

Well a lot has changed in just a small amount of time. My last blog was just a lot of anxiety over what I’m up against for my next few pregnancies. Never meant to sound like I was grumbling about my current discomforts, just meaning to paint a picture of what I will realistically be going through in the near future.

I ended up going to my 36 week appointment a week ago, and they did the Group B Strep test. I still haven’t received the results of that test, but with my 3^rd pregnancy, I was positive for Group B Strep, so there’s a good chance I have it again this time. I remember hearing I was positive for Group B Strep the last time around, and was really worried about what that could potentially mean for my baby. My doctor reassured me that they would administer antibiotics through my IV during the labor & delivery, and again after the birth if needed, and all would be fine. We let ourselves be comforted by the doctor’s reassuring words. Not much else to report as far as this subject goes, just waiting to hear the results, which again, are very likely to be positive.

At my 36 week appointment, which was Thursday the 21^st, I found out that I was 2 cm dilated and about 60% effaced. I wasn’t surprised at all to hear this. Very common for me to be a few cm in, a little effaced, and have a month to go. I expected to hear just that. I told Hope and she was very excited :)

Then, we got some unexpected news about our insurances. I have a certain insurance that covers me, but the insurance her family has to cover the baby is totally different, and ultimately there were very few hospitals in the area that would accept BOTH insurances. Utah Valley, (where I delivered my 3^rd, and also planned to deliver this baby at) was a no go. Timpanogos Hospital and American Fork (the two closest to me) were also not gonna work. They only accepted one insurance or the other, not both. Grrr…

Turns out that we had the choice of delivering at

Heber (a solid 40 minutes away with a drive through the canyon)

Park City (a solid 50 minutes even further through said canyon with a climb up a mountain side)

Or Jordan Valley (a 25 minute drive down the freeway, but in Salt Lake County, mostly inconvenient for the weekly doctors visits, but do-able.)

So that’s where we landed. From my 36 week appointment on Thursday to Tuesday (5 days later) we investigated, confirmed and got the ground work going on a new clinic with a new doctor in West Jordan (25 minutes from home.) I even registered with the hospital. Okee Dokee. I came to terms with the idea of changing doctors at the very last minute. Not the end of the world, mostly I just cared about everyone being covered insurance wise and making sure a doctor would in fact deliver the baby. I’m flexible. I needed to get my records sent over right away though. I went right in to my current clinic to sign the medical release forms. At this point I had been having a fair amount of contractions the last day or so, but at the clinic, I was hurting so bad I wasn’t walking very well. My doctor noticed me and asked if I wanted to be checked out real quick. I figured, what the heck, I’m already here. Let’s have a quick check.

I was 3 cm and 80% effaced. Well okay… I was a little surprised I had effaced that much in just a matter of days. At least this far out from my due date. But hey, I was definitely feeling some contractions, and things seemed to be working down low, so I can’t say I was totally surprised. I had stayed at a 3 or a 4 for a few weeks with all my other pregnancies, so this hopefully wasn’t too different.

I was just a little more uneasy, because I knew that every pregnancy is different for every single woman, and I didn’t need to go into labor with the baby’s family in Illinois. Hope wasn’t scheduled to get here for another 10 days. But I called her to tell her that I had progressed some, and that I was now at 3cm, 80%. I had never been that effaced this far out before. –This was on Wednesday

Hope was a little nervous to hear the news. Nobody really knows what to think…

She blogged that night, and this is what she had to say:

“Vanessa called today.  3cm dilated and 80% effaced.  Having some strong/uncomfortable contractions.

I NEED to know what this means!!!   If she was to tell me right now that she thinks she could possibly be going into labor it would probably take me 12-20 hours to get to her depending on time of day and flights. 

I do NOT want to miss this baby being born. 

Although I would normally want my baby to cook as long as possible, I think I prefer having an earlier induction date just to be on the safe side so everything can be happily in place at the time of birth.  Vanessa sees the doctor again in 2 days.  Waiting for suggestions from someone professional on whether or not I should start heading west.”

By Thursday morning (not even 24 hours later) she decided to go ahead and come out early. Hope and her girls are now on a train heading my way….

Friday morning: I went to my new doctor’s appointment this morning. Beautiful clinic, but I didn’t love my experience. My records never showed up, so they wanted to start me at square one. Pee on a pregnancy test. I think not. Then they pulled out their little wheel to determine my due date. Good grief… I didn’t have the patience for this. I had been through a lot this week, between finding a new hospital, a new doctor, and feeling pretty drained from some pretty real contractions. Then the doctor came in and made it clear he was annoyed by not having the records. Thanks dude. I myself was annoyed, and yes it made the visit more difficult, but thanks for making me feel like it was my fault. Your dumb clinic wanted to make it difficult to even get those records, not me. Then he made me feel like I had to give him a run down of my past pregnancies and all of this pregnancy in 30 seconds or less. So I’m spitting out, inductions, deliveries, surrogacy related information, carpal tunnel, acid reflux, contractions, Illinois, 3cm & 80% as of two days ago, all as fast as I could. He seemed uninterested, which annoyed me a little more. The doctor’s I’ve been seeing for the last 8 months were sensational. Kind of disappointing. I wanted to focus on what’s going on with my body now. He seemed uninterested when I asked him to check me again. Well darn it, you know what, when I’m not sure where I’m at, and I’ve got Hope’s hubby still in Illinois, I would sure like to know what my body’s doing. Sorry doc if I’ve inconvenienced you. So he checked me.

I am now 4 cm and 90% effaced. Good heavens… I don’t know if I can take much more of this.

Here’s what I know:

Normally I dilate and sit on it for a few weeks, always needing to be induced. Never really feeling contractions or anything that feels like progress is being made. I’ve certainly never been this effaced this far out from my due date.

So here I am, 4 cm and 90%, and wondering if this will be the time I go into labor on my own. If I keep having contractions throughout my evenings, it’s gonna continue making some sort of progress right? Will I keep a baby in here for another 3 weeks?

I’m not ready to have the baby yet. I am living out of boxes til we move in a week, and I wanted to be settled. We wanted to have professional pictures done with Hope and I. Before and Afters. I am runnin’ outta time. My son will be here in a few days, my husband starts his new job on Monday. I bought a few things to make for the baby! I wanted to have time for my projects dangit… hopefully I still have time. Things are all over the place.

Well I called Hope after my appointment today and told her that we were sitting at 4 cm and 90%. She is a basket case, stuck on a train, being rerouted through Wyoming because of the Colorado fires, and won’t arrive til’ 3am. We got her husband on the phone, and everyone is trying to decide what the best move to make will be. As of an hour ago, he bought a round trip plane ticket and is headed this way tonight. Hope and hubby should both be arriving within hours of each other. He is a dentist, and I feel terrible about the fact that things are so up in the air. He can’t very well hang out here in Utah for a solid 3 weeks just waiting around. Ugh!

My doctor is fine to officially induce me on Saturday, the 14^th of July. That’s all fine and dandy, if I make it til’ then. He said he won’t be surprised at all if he sees me this weekend. Who knows what to think anymore. I am a little overwhelmed by it all. I feel like it’s my fault everyone is making new arrangements and possibly jumping the gun, all because my body might be saying one thing, or it might be saying nothing. I wish I just had some sort of control over what’s going on. I feel so helpless, but responsible for all the hustle and bustle. I’ve said before, I would sure like to go into labor on my own just once, but I didn’t want it like this! I wanted to be at my due date, not 3 weeks out. And I wanted my intended family to be here on properly scheduled time. I wanted my hospital to be two minutes down the road. Is that so much to ask? I would also like a pony, a castle, and cotton candy while we’re at it. (I already found Prince Charming) Thank you very much…

So this should be an interesting week. I am 4 cm and 90%, three weeks out from my due date, and feeling contractions throughout my evenings. I am trying to take it easy… What would you make of all this? Hurry Hope & Family, I would sure like you to be here if anything does happen!

You might very well hear from me real soon! :)

The Pain is Weighing Me Down...

This won't be a long blog post... I have no energy, and my arms are in a lot of pain. 

Today is June 18th, and I should officially be induced on July 19th :) A solid Month to go. My doctor said that date should work out great. We are all getting very excited! IT's the final stretch... and i've got lots on my mind, but one thing in particular. 

This has been, by far, my hardest pregnancy. i say that simply based on the fact that it is my most recent pregnancy. Like I've said before, it seems like I've got every symptom in the book, but I am discovering that the book is ridiculously big. I don't know how much more i can take. With my first pregnancy, I was just sick the entire time, it was hard on my body, and I got those darn Charlie horses quite a bit. With my second, it seemed about the same, only that unbelievably uncomfortable sensation where the baby's head is down and it pinches and you feel like the baby is going to come out was new. At first I thought something was always wrong, but I've had it with every pregnancy since. This is when the sciatic nerve also showed itself. Then with my 3rd, the incredibly severe acid reflux showed up, along with the restless legs. My feet and legs also swelled up for the first time. (it was sexy) With this 4th pregnancy, I have experienced a stretch of severe migraines, followed by what I feel is the worst symptom of all. 

In the last few weeks, I have developed what appears to be "Carpal Tunnel During Pregnancy." Everyone's gonna have a different opinion, or a different name for it, but ultimately my arms from the shoulder to my fingertips ache and throb at all times, and if I don't baby my arms, the go insanely tingly, like when your foot  falls into that painful sleep. The pain is constant, the tingly numbness is just an afterthought. My knuckles throb, and doing anything with my hands hurts like hell. It hurts to text, hold a sandwich, hold onto the steering wheel, type, hold my camera, edit my pictures, hold a phone up to my ear,  change my baby's diapers, do my/my girls' hair, and so on. I could probably go on forever. One of the hardest things right now is the fact that it hurts to drive, but if I don't drive, I get incredibly car sick. I've had to choose my poison, and for the last 72 hours, my husband has driven and I've opted  for carsickness. We were driving back from Heber on Father's day, and I had to have him pull over 3 times so I could ralph on the side of the road. I can hardly believe i've chosen the carsickness over the pain in my arms. Does that give you some idea of how bad it is right now? I can't handle it. THe very worst part of this is sleeping at night. That's when it's the worst. I spend the night in tears, and i've been getting about 2 hours of sleep a night. I start dreading bedtime around 3 in the afternoon. I've figured out that it's the worst when I sleep lying down, so now I sleep in a chair. How much sleep can a person get sleeping sitting up, with a big belly, restless legs, and extreme pain in their arms all night long. It was so bad two nights ago that I almost went to the emergency room around 3am. I almost woke Clark up and told him I was leaving. I almost called hope. But i always end up with that voice in my head that says, if you're not gushing blood and dying, you don't need to go to the emergency room. That voice always says, there's really nothing they can do. They'll tell you to drink lots of water and rest. At least that's all I ever get from the ER. Anyway, I almost went in. But i didn't. And I'm still here, i haven't died I guess. So this whole pain in the arms business... reared it's ugly head in the 3rd trimester. 

But the thing that's been on my mind lately is how much I'm not looking forward to my next couple of pregnancies. There is officially a pattern of symptoms getting worse with each new pregnancy, followed by another couple of miserable symptoms. That book just keeps getting bigger. My doctor confirmed my worries about harder pregnancies after this one. My husband is worried, and feels like we should maybe wait a bit before having another baby. I can't shake the feeling that we need to continue our family and not put anything on hold. I would rather have my body back permanently when we are all finished having kids than just delay the inevitable misery a few months. My mom thinks I should be done having kids altogether. I'm not finished having children, I'm just so discouraged right now at what's ahead for me.  It's all I can think about. 

When we started this whole surrogacy process, I knew I hated being pregnant. I didn't go into this naive or uninformed. I knew I could get through 9 months. I feel the same way about the pregnancies I have ahead of me. The sacrifice of putting my body through all this is worth it to me. There is nothing more important I could be doing than bringing these beautiful children into the world. Especially when I see how many women out there struggle with having children on their own. If I can, then by golly I'm gonna. It seems selfish to let these hard symptoms stop me. I remember qualifying to be a surrogate because "I had good pregnancies." That meant, I didn't have anything dangerous or life threatening. That is still the case. If "miserable pregnancies" disqualified me, then I wouldn't be here now. 

Man I don't mean to sound so negative. I have never once regretted carrying Hope's baby. This whole experience has been once in a lifetime. I mean being a part of something so special. Something bigger than your average every other day. I am able to take so much away from this. I am so grateful for the entire experience. My thoughts above are simply the thoughts that have been weighing me down about my own situation and what I still have to go through in my own life. It's a lot to think about. 

Other than the pain and discomfort I've been in, I have been unbelievably busy. Going a hundred miles a minute doesn't seem to carry enough weight behind it. I am almost all packed and ready to move. I will just have to pack up my kitchen and the bathrooms when moving day comes. We are moving to another apartment within our complex, which I'm excited about. The timing just kinda sucks. We are scheduled to move the first week of July... and I am scheduled to induce the end of the second week of July. I am hoping to be all settled before the induction. I really don't want to be surrounded by chaos and living out of boxes during my recovery. I don't think that's too much to ask... although the management around here doesn't seem to think so. It'll be interesting. 

Other than the pregnancy and moving, we have been busy with birthdays, father's day, job interviews, finances, photo shoots, school, our family, and life in general. It's been a little crazy around here. July only promises to be more insane. I think I'm looking forward to a quiet August.

I am down to having my Doctor's appointments once a week. They will check my cervix on Thursday. With all of my pregnancies, I usually dilate to a 3 or 4 for a good week or two before all my inductions. Contractions are slowly starting. That's pretty normal for me. When I was pregnant with my 3rd, we tried everything to send me into labor. Longs walks on a nightly basis, jumping on trampolines, massages and acupuncture that were supposed to induce labor, and I even drank castor oil. That last one sent me into insane contractions and i went to the hospital, but my body just wouldn't progress. I just can't seem to go into labor on my own. Just once I want to experience waking up at 3 am and saying to Clark, "It's time!" But i'm not holding my breath. So I'm not too worried about moving up 3 flights of stairs a week before my due date. If I blog about being dilated and effaced, don't get too excited ;)

That's really all that I have going on right now. I am looking forward to Hope's arrival in 3 weeks, along with my son who comes to stay with me for the summer :) Lots to do! I'll be in touch!

A little bit of EVERYTHING, with a special message at the end

I love my blog, and I love adding to it, but writing is seriously one of the hardest things for me to do. I’ve said that before. I think about all the different things I have to say on a daily basis, but putting my thoughts down in a coherent and flowing manner requires a babysitter and at least 5 hours of free time. Do such things even exist?

A lot has happened since we found out our wiggly little baby bump was a boy.

One of the most amazing experiences happened just a day or two later. Hope and I attended the Temple together. Her mom was able to come along also, and we all had such a wonderful time. Hope called it a “Spiritual Ultrasound.” I could not describe it any better myself. A Spiritual Ultrasound. I know that might be a little much to wrap your head around, but it was simply just being close to her baby boy in the most spiritual and holy place on earth. She couldn’t help but smile and peek down at my belly all throughout the endowment session. We visited quietly in the Celestial Room. About our friendship, and this sweet spirit on its way, and how thankful we all are for the miracles & blessings in our lives. I don’t know if there is another surrogacy relationship out there within the Church that has had a similar experience. It truly was once in a lifetime. I wish we had taken a picture outside the Temple that night, but it was dark and we had little ones to get home to.

We had several play dates while Hope was still in town for the Ultrasound. The girls all love to get together and play their hearts out. Hope took this cute picture during one of our play dates :) Her little girls thought it was so fun that my big tummy was their baby brother. I can’t wait til they get to meet their little brother for the very first time. 

Hope and I outside the Clinic

I mentioned to Hope that I didn’t feel like I could complain during this pregnancy. And when I say complain, I just mean the groans and grumbles of a pregnant woman. I couldn’t quite put my finger on the reasoning and emotion behind what I was trying to say, but I tried. At first it seemed like maybe it was just a matter of, “Well you brought this on yourself. You CHOSE to go through with this and be pregnant, so you have no room to complain about how hard it is sometimes.” But that didn’t seem to be the spirit of the matter. And if you think about it, I’ve been pregnant with my own children “by choice” and I’ve had no problem voicing my opinions about how miserable it was for me to be pregnant. And those were MY babies I was carrying. You would think that it would be easier to complain about a baby that isn’t mine. You’d think.

I had other thoughts on the subject. None of them ever seemed to fit. None of them made sense as to why I felt so positive despite how miserable I felt. I’m really not that good of a person. I do have negative thoughts. I’m working on that….

So I left it alone, but it still never sat well with me. Why did it seem so wrong to complain about the hard parts? Complaining just felt bitter in my mouth. I’ve never once felt negative about any of this. But it’s taken me to the 3^rd trimester to finally put my finger on the emotions I’m failing to illustrate. I don’t know when the realization hit me, and please please, find it in yourself to try to understand that I am NOT patting myself on the back, but this is what I’ve come up with.

You don’t complain, you don’t grumble, and you’re not negative about serving others. If a friend needs your help, and you drop everything in the middle of the night to be by their side, you don’t complain. If the little old lady next door can’t bend over to weed her flowerbeds, you don’t leave with negative feelings thinking, “Well that’s a Saturday afternoon I’ll never get back,” or “my back sure hurts, wish she could have done that herself.” I don’t care if the little old lady gives you milk and cookies in an effort to compensate you for your time. If strangers are moving in next door, and they don’t have enough hands to help unload their moving truck, you jump right in and help, and you never grumble. True service won’t give you negative feelings anyway. It goes against nature. That’s not the way the Lord intended it. Knowing there is someone on the other end who is grateful makes it worth every minute. So without sounding like I’m saying, “Hey, I know I’m doing something nice, therefor I guess I can’t complain,” what I am really truly trying to say is that it’s perfectly normal for me to complain about how much pain I’m in, or how uncomfortable I am, but it never felt right or natural to be that way with any of this. So there it is. I finally made sense of what I was feeling. Why it was so easy to tell the world I hated being pregnant with my own kids, but why it didn’t feel right to even think those thoughts to myself about Hope’s baby.

Bizarre, random… round about way of trying to put my thoughts and feelings into words. I totally understand if you think I’m a lunatic. But for the record, it felt really good to finally make sense of my own emotions that I have been at war with all these months. I could never complain when it’s such an amazing thing to be the answer to another family’s prayers. The end.

Moving on…

So Monday I have another doctor’s appointment. This one is the glucose tolerance test and then I get my Rhogam shot. Glucose tolerance test = drinking a nasty liquid that is the equivalent of orange soda with no carbonation (just straight sugar syrup) and then having your blood drawn to make sure you don’t have gestational diabetes. Rhogam shot = one of those good old “peanut butter shots” in the behind given to women who have an Rh negative blood type. I couldn’t tell you how it all works, and when my mom asked me to explain it to her, well, I couldn’t. To dumb it down, I would try explaining it like this. If a pregnant woman is Rh negative, and the baby is Rh positive, then there can be problems. So around 28 weeks, I get a shot that is supposed to help, and then when I give birth, if the baby is Rh positive, there is another round of shots given to protect both me and the baby. At least I’m pretty sure that’s the gist of it. Fun stuff :) I’ve never actually been able to keep the glucose drink down long enough for them to draw my blood with my past pregnancies, so hopefully Monday will go okay.

At my last doctors appointment, I had gained more weight than I should have, by a little more than I care to admit. I’ve made changes in my own eating habits, mostly just a healthier lifestyle. Not as much sugar, and a biggie for me – portion control. It’s been interesting. The first 48 hours of having no sugar made me the spawn of Satan. It was best that mommy was just left alone. I had serious withdrawals. Ever since I gained the extra weight, and then made the dietary changes, my hormones have been completely out of whack. I’m still trying to get a handle on all the changes. My husband has been so absolutely patient and understanding, I am ever so grateful for him.

My friend made a really good point to me yesterday. We were talking about watching our weight and all that good stuff, and she mentioned how I will have just had a baby, and I will probably look like I just had a baby, (with the extra weight and the belly that doesn’t go away, and the not nursing to not help the situation…)  but I won’t be walking around with a brand new little one. So to other people it will look like I don’t have any excuse for looking that way. It was a lovely thought… should I wear a sign that says, “I just had a baby! I’m not always this chubby!”?

At my appointment I will also bring up an induction with my doctor. I know it’s still a bit early (since I’m due July 20^th) but I’ve never managed to go into labor on my own with my first 3 pregnancies, and inductions have been the normal and predictable avenue. I realize it could be different this time around, but the best indicator if future behavior is past behavior. Just sayin’. I’ll believe things will be different when I see it. Until then, I’m just planning on this being pretty similar to all the other deliveries. Inductions are nice cuz you can plan. And in this particular situation, with everyone involved, planning is ideal. Hope should be coming up by train from Illinois around July 7^th, and her hubby will be flying up around the 12^th or 13^th. Just to give them all a safe cushion if anything unexpected were to happen. It will be so fun to spend July with her.

We make our big camping trip once every summer, and last night we were discussing where we’re gonna fit that it. My son comes to visit us during the summer, and he will be here July 9^th until August 20^th. We won’t go camping unless he’s here with us. So that leaves all of July (which would make me 9 months pregnant and camping) or August, after the baby is born and I’ve recovered. Even though we would just be camping 10 minutes up American Fork Canyon (a whopping 15 minutes from the nearest hospital) I still vote for August I guess. I am a die hard camper, (who doesn’t consider it camping if you’ve got toilets or running water nearby) and I’ve had the itch to sleep in my tent and cook over a campfire since January, so waiting til August will be torture. We also plan to move around the beginning of July, which will make it a busy month, and a hard move. Our lease is up though, and if everything works out, we are hoping to find a little house to rent. We shall see. It will be a summer to remember, that’s for sure :)

Two of my really good friends just had their babies this last week. It was the first baby for both of them, and it has been so fun to anticipate their new adventures right along with them! I was able to visit one of them in the hospital the evening she had her baby. It brought back all the memories of when my little Brynlee was born, and how I was able to share that experience with my husband. (My first two were with mistakes- which is another story for another blog for a soap opera for another day.) All I meant to point out was that when my Brynlee was born, the experience of having someone that I loved to share it with was incredibly special. All those memories came flooding back to me. And it really started to hit me how different this time around would be. Not that I wasn’t aware that it would be completely different, but it just got my wheels turnin’. You don’t dwell on the delivery, the recovery and what that all entails when you have your brand new baby. You aren’t even paying attention to the doctor delivering the placenta when you’re busy finding out how much the baby weighs, holding the baby for the first time, or seeing how much hair they have. You are so preoccupied with the baby that you don’t think twice about sitting on ice packs, or the epidural (which in my experience is totally worth getting – but SUCKS to actually get) or all the annoying checks from the nurses at random hours of the night. All of that just sweeps past you when you have the new baby. It just kind of hit me when I was visiting my friend that I’ll be doing all that fun stuff and won’t have my own baby to distract me. Not the end of the world, and not the hardest thing I’ve done by miles, but just something to ponder on. It really has been amazing at all the little things that have come up with this surrogacy that you would never ever think of unless you were actually in the situation. The emotions behind not anticipating a newborn in my home, the fact that I feel no attachment to the baby in any way, or how it will actually feel to go through the motions at the hospital without my own baby. That’s one of the reasons I’m so excited though to be able to experience this. I never would have learned these things and gained this experience if I had never gone through with it.

My husband and I took this year to have Hope’s baby, but we are planning to move right along with our own family. I certainly don’t want my kids back to back, but I also don’t want them 4 or 5 years apart. Some don’t agree with us, but we will do what is right for our family. As long as I am able to get pregnant, we won’t do anything to prevent it after this baby is born. Which could certainly turn into feeling like I’m going to be pregnant for a minimum of 18 months to have my own little one. A realization that makes me wanna cry. That’s just a lot of being pregnant for someone who does not enjoy it. My sweet husband actually said to me that he would be okay with waiting to have our own in order to give me a little time to have my body back. He knows first hand how hard this is on me. I was touched by his thoughts on the matter, but I’ll tell you what. I would much rather suck it up now and pump out my kids so that I can officially have my body back permanently. It’s stuff like how hard you work to get in decent shape, to just get pregnant again and lose all that progress. Over and over and over. Nope. What doesn’t kill me just makes me stronger. We will keep moving right along with our own family. I’ll survive :)

I have a few friends having babies right now, and ALL of them have had smooth sailing so far in their pregnancies. 8 weeks along, 16 weeks along, 20 weeks along, and almost no nausea, no feeling miserable at all. It kind of makes me sick and I’m rather jealous that they have it so easy. I even hear people say that they “love being pregnant.” I really just can’t wrap my mind around all that. It sure must be nice, that’s all I have to say.

Here have been my pregnancies – served on a silver platter in one semi-long paragraph.

Week 8 (you could clock it) the nausea hits. It goes strong for months, and then around the end of the second trimester, it’s only half as bad. Meaning I only need a Zofran every other day instead of twice a day. I still lose my breakfast at least twice a week, and I pee my pants every time I get sick. Debilitating migraines -daily. Luckily those only lasted two months. Severe Acid Reflux. I can’t think of anything more miserable than constant burning in your throat. It makes me sicker, and it never goes away. Not even at night when I sleep. THANKFULLY I have discovered Prilosec OTC and my acid reflux has been eliminated. But I went my entire pregnancy with Brynlee and the first half of this one without the Prilosec, and I truly suffer from acid reflux. If I forget to take a pill, it’s less than 8 hours before the burning comes back. I cannot even wrap my mind around how bad that is. Restless Legs. If you have never experienced restless legs, then I have no way of describing to you how miserable it really is. I have it so bad that I am not only affected when I sleep at night, but it will act up when I drive, or when I’m just sitting at the dinner table. My legs jerk and twitch. It’s involuntary, and painful. It affects my lower back. Then add the pinched sciatic nerve. The pregnancy back pain, the restless legs and the sciatic nerve all adding to my lower back and leg pain simultaneously. Then you’ve got a wiggly baby that makes your upset tummy uneasy, wiggles when you are just settling in, and likes to find extra leg room in your rib cage. You don’t sleep at night, because of all the above mentioned reasons, not to mention your huge tummy is just uncomfortable and impossible to sleep with anyway. Your boobs hurt. Every so often you get so constipated that it might or might not create a hemorrhoid issue. It hurts so bad to bend over to pick up anything, put on socks or shoes, change a diaper, shave your legs, paint your toes, and so on. Every once in a while you get crampy and have random Braxton Hicks contractions for no reason. Your tummy gets hard and it’s painful. The baby sit’s low and it feels like it’s going to slip out when you walk. Sitting hurts, walking pinches. All this time the nausea never lets up. Oh my goodness, and the worst part is that you have all these symptoms simultaneously for months.

Please understand that this is ALWAYS how my pregnancies are, and I am not referring to this one alone. I will honestly tell anyone without any hesitation that I hate being pregnant. Period. With any baby, even my own. That’s why it meant so much to me when Clark said he would be okay if I wanted to wait, so that I could have my body back for a little while.

I say this because like I said before, I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that there are lots of you who have easy pregnancies. It doesn’t seem fair that you don’t even experience morning sickness. Good heavens, it’s like I get every symptom in the book. Now I realize I don’t have pregnancies like Hope, with a feeding tube being the least of her worries. And I don’t have gestational diabetes or preeclampsia, which is why I felt like if I could have a healthy baby for a family, and only sign away 9 months (with the added injections) but certainly not the rest of my life. So I don’t think it was an unthinkable decision to go ahead and have a baby for another family.  Anyway, if you have easy pregnancies, then I hope you realize how lucky you have it.

That was my plug for where I’m at physically I guess. I didn’t intend to be negative, I only intended to be perfectly honest about what pregnancy is for me. I do not regret ever going through with this, just as I do not regret ever having my own children. There is no greater miracle. 

Clark texted me one day at work and told me that Mitt Romney had two more grandchildren born via gestational surrogate. It was fun news considering it was a high profile surrogacy for an LDS family. I told Hope as soon as I found out :) Here’s the link.

_______________________________________

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. I received an incredibly special Mother’s Day present from Hope yesterday. Her sister knocked on my door and caught me completely by surprise. I couldn’t wait until Sunday to open it. I will probably never be able to put into words how much I loved her gift. I have to assume she knew this about me to some small extent, but whether she based her gift getting decision solely on this, I don’t know.

I LOVE the Willow’s Collection. The beautiful wooden figures you see in Hallmark. But even more than I love the collection, I love the ones I’ve collected over the years. Each one represents a significant time in my life, and they are some of my most precious possessions. 

I posted this to my facebook a while back.

My Husband and my Children are what I treasure the most in my life, and my Willows tell my story.

My first Willow was given to me by my son’s dad, many years ago. It represents me with my sweet baby boy. I was a child myself, but Taylor was the one constant, real thing in my life.

My second Willow was given to me for Mother’s day by some of my very best friends, Nick and Jasmine. They were there for me when I needed it the most, when Brionna was born, and Taylor was taken from me. The Willow represents me and my new baby Brionna. It was just the two of us. She was the only thing that kept me going when I lost my son.

My third Willow was given to me by my Mom and Dad. It was a gift for my 20th birthday, and represents me with Taylor and little Brionna.

My fourth Willow was also given to me by my Mom and Dad for my 20th birthday. My Son and I.

My fifth Willow was the cake topper for our Wedding Cake. I wanted a Willow topper more than anything. It represents Clark coming into my life, our wedding day, and the love that we have for one another.

My sixth Willow was given to me by our dear friend Chelsea. It represents Clark, Brynlee and I. I finally got things right. I had a sweet baby with someone that I love, someone who truly loves me.

My Willows tell my story. When I look at them I remember where I came from, and what I’ve been through. Those things have made me who I am.

With that being said, Hope was sweet enough to add a very special piece to my collection for Mother’s Day. This Willow represents this special time in my life. How appropriate! How very appropriate, I can’t even tell you how much I love it. Hope, I hope you know you didn’t have to get me ANYTHING, but since I know how much you’ll listen to my insisting, please know that I love your gift and I will cherish it just as I do my others. Thank you <3

I keep hearing that Hope and her husband are dueling it out over baby boy names. My vote didn’t make the cut, which is fine because I love it so much that I might just use it if we ever have a little boy :)

Happy Mother’s Day to all you mothers out there. It’s hard work (even though Obama doesn’t seem to think so;)

I Love You Mom. I think about you always. Make sure Kimmy and AJ do your dishes tomorrow! The kids want you to know how much they love and miss their Grandma.

I Love you Debbie, thank you for bringing my incredible husband into the world, and raising him to be a wonderful father & a worthy Priesthood holder. Thank you for being such an awesome Grandma to our kids

I Love you Hope. I’ve said this before, but you are the most patient and gentle mother I’ve ever met. I am so glad to have you as a friend, and to be able to give you one more reason to celebrate on Mother’s Day :)

Happy Mother’s Day to Brittany, my son’s step mom. I appreciate the effort you put into taking care of Taylor. I love him and miss him every day.

Happy Mother’s Day to all my friends & family. To all you brand new mommies out there, and to all you mothers who follow my blog.

Last, I want to send a special message out to those of you who are here because you are struggling with having children of your own. Never forget the Sanctity of Womanhood. You are Daughters of God, and he knows your heart. You are not alone. This talk was given by Linda Longhurst, and can be found on LDS.org…

My Search for Motherhood

I may never have children of my own in this lifetime, but Heavenly Father has not left me childless.

During sacrament meeting on any given Sunday, I sit in the middle spot on a middle bench in the middle of our chapel.

Except on Mother’s Day.

On Mother’s Day, I choose an aisle seat in the back near the door.

Mother’s Day can be an emotionally trying day for any woman; feelings of inadequacy, disappointment, loss, or a variety of other circumstances may contribute to this. As an unmarried woman in my 40s with a medical condition that often causes infertility, I probably will never be a mother to children of my own in this lifetime. This heartbreak can sometimes make sacrament meeting on Mother’s Day more than I can bear. In my ward all the women are invited to stand and receive a Mother’s Day gift, maybe a flower or a chocolate bar. Despite the good intentions behind this ward tradition, I usually feel undeserving of and disheartened by a gift that I have little hope of earning in the typical way.

For weeks before Mother’s Day I begin preparing myself emotionally: reminding myself that “we are all mothers”1; thinking of women I should remember rather than dwelling on my own disappointments; acknowledging that even women who do have children may find Mother’s Day uncomfortable; telling myself that I am a good aunt, teacher, and friend to other people’s children; and trying to think of Mother’s Day as just another Sunday. I am never quite sure how well these tactics will work, so I sit near the door of the chapel, poised to exit if my heartbreak becomes too apparent.

Blessed by the Scott Family

One year I found Mother’s Day to be particularly difficult. I was just coming to accept that I might not have children in this life and was grieving that loss as well as battling challenges with my medical condition. But not wanting to be defeated, I forced myself out of bed, got dressed, and drove to church, determined to obediently attend my meetings. Despite my best efforts, though, I was in tears before pulling out of the driveway and for most of the 25-minute drive. In the parking lot of the meetinghouse, I somehow suppressed the lump in my throat, forced back the tears, went in, and took my position on the aisle seat of an empty pew toward the back of the chapel.

And then a blessing named the Scott family arrived. Having gone through a period of infertility themselves, they must have realized that Mother’s Day might be difficult for me. Sister Scott brought her three children and sat by me on the pew. With a family next to me, I didn’t feel quite so single and childless.

Brother Scott, a counselor in our bishopric, was the first speaker. He commented that speaking on Mother’s Day was a challenge because of the feelings that it can evoke for many, if not all, members of the congregation. His thoughtful words spoke to my heart as well as to my situation. My emotions got the best of me, and I knew that to avoid embarrassment, I had better leave before the Primary children sang their musical number.

I went to my car where I sat reading my scriptures, crying over my heartbreak, and feeling ashamed of myself for not having the spiritual strength to stay in the meeting. I waited until I was sure that sacrament meeting was over and that the Mother’s Day gift—it was a rose that year—had been handed out, and then I returned for Sunday School and Relief Society. I had convinced myself that no one had noticed my exit and that my face showed no evidence of crying, so I didn’t think much of Brother Scott’s request when he asked to see me in the bishop’s office after church.

I was completely caught off guard when I walked in to discover that he had not only noticed my exit from sacrament meeting but had also saved a rose for me. I could not hold back the tears as he told me that I deserved it as much as anyone and gave specific examples of my positive influence as a woman and member of our ward. Although I was embarrassed by my tears and unsure that I wanted the gift, I was touched and grateful that someone was aware of my pain and conscious of my influence as a woman. Later that day I knelt in prayer to thank my Heavenly Father for sending this sweet family to comfort me.

Seeking Opportunities for Motherhood

After that Mother’s Day, I became more diligent in my search for what I call “alternative opportunities for motherhood.” The more I sought for and opened myself to these opportunities, the more I found them. I discovered that I could be an example of righteous womanhood for children and youth in my family, ward, and community. I served as a trusted adult in teenagers’ lives, confirming the truths their parents were teaching them. I volunteered to babysit so couples in the ward could attend the temple or take care of pressing family issues. I held a baby or followed a curious toddler in the hallway at church so the mother could listen to the lesson or attend to her calling. In sacrament meeting, I sat with families whose fathers were unable to sit with them and helped manage the children. I supported young people by making an effort to attend special events such as courts of honor, school plays and concerts, seminary graduations, and Primary talks. I took more interest in the lives of the children I worked with in my career as a speech-language pathologist and offered more encouragement to their parents as they coped with the many challenges of having a child with a disability. I invited children from the ward or neighborhood to my home to decorate Christmas cookies, watch a movie, or play in my yard. I helped a busy mother by giving her children rides to youth activities or running errands. I tried to fill a few of the voids created by the absence of deployed military parents in our community.

On one occasion, Jonah, whose father was deployed, suffered a severely broken arm. I was able to drive Jonah and his mother to the hospital and then care for his three siblings overnight so their mother could stay with Jonah.

When I talked to Jonah’s mother later, she expressed concern about having “imposed” on me. I could only thank her for giving me an alternative opportunity for motherhood.

While some women live in homes where opportunities for motherhood abound and even overwhelm, I live a life where opportunities for motherhood must be sought. My motherhood is found in serving others. Of course I still am disappointed that I haven’t had the opportunity to raise children of my own, but Heavenly Father has not left me childless. My children are all around me, providing me with precious, though less typical, opportunities for motherhood.

The Baby Wasn't Shy! :)

Oh my goodness I am so excited! Hope just dropped me back off at home. We spent the last hour and a half at our ultrasound. Everything went great :) We got lots of pictures, we got a video. The ultrasound tech was super nice and I could not have had a better time.

It's a baby BOY!

haha! Can you believe it?! I wanted it to be a little boy so badly. How perfect. Their little family will be complete. Hope teared up during the ultrasound. The baby kicked and wiggled all over the place. He wasn't shy at all. We all said it at the same time. "It's a boy?!" It was hard to mistake :) It is so fun to be a part of this. I am giddy and smiling so much my mouth hurts. Hope called her husband and had him on speakerphone. She wanted to mess with him, so she tried, "Well I hope you like Pink!" haha is response was, "How can you tell my little boy's gay?" We all busted up laughing cuz that wasn't the response we expected. At least I'm pretty sure that's what he said. We were all too giggly to really understand a whole lot. Hope came out with it after that. "We're having a son!" His pause and his sigh was enough. We all wished we could have seen his face. Their little girls have been insisting that it was going to be a baby brother. They have been so sure. How fun.

Here at our house, Clark asked Brionna (my 5 year old) what she thought the baby was gonna be. She said it was a girl. He said he thought it was gonna be a boy. So he told her that if he was right, then she had to buy him a treat, and if it was a girl and she was right, then he would buy her a treat. As soon as I told them it was a baby boy, Brionna was like, "OH MAN! I have to get daddy a treat now?!" hahaha.

It's so fun to be able to refer to the baby as "he" instead of it. He's gonna be here before we know it! July is just right around the corner :) Now Hope and her husband will talk baby names. I am so excited. Oh man, my mouth hurts from smiling :D

I wanted to post a better blog full of pictures and the video, but I could't wait to announce the news to everyone! So here it is. The short version, and I will post the fun stuff when I get a chance.

It's a boy! It's a baby boy! They're having a BABY BOY!!! HAHA! :D

More Belly Shots :)

I cannot believe we are at the end of February. This year is flying by, and there is no question that it will continue to do so all the way through the Holidays. We have a very busy year ahead of us, and I am looking forward to every moment of it.

The other day, Clark and I made a stop at Best Buy. As we pulled up in the parking lot, there was a stall labeled “For Expectant Mothers.” At first Clark was like, “SWEET!” and then he was like, “Wait. You’re not an expectant mother. What good are you ;)” hahaha. We had a good laugh, but seriously. Can’t it just say “For Pregnant Women?” This pregnancy has been very different from my others in many respects. Obviously, I normally wouldn’t have to deal with injections. And like I have said before, it is very weird not “anticipating” a baby in our future. I was at a babyshower yesterday, and of course everyone was like, “When are you due? Do you know what you’re having? How many children do you have altogether?” I have found that coming out with the surrogacy at the very beginning is the simplest way to go. I could answer, “July 20^th… and we find out in 2 weeks… but then it get’s complicated. So I just start out with, “Well I’m due in July, and I am actually having a baby for another family :)” That way the questions that are sure to come can come sooner. Like I have said before, I love talking about the surrogacy, and I love to share our story, so that part doesn’t bother me at all. But one of the questions I am always asked is, “How is this different from your own pregnancies?” And I tell them about the injections and the lack of anticipating a new baby.

Along those same lines, because we are not anticipating a new baby, I also lose track of where I’m at in the pregnancy. At first, I wasn’t aware of it. Hope sent me a “Happy 16 weeks!” text a while back, and I was like, “Oh! You’re right! I guess I am! :)” Over the next couple weeks, I was able to think that through a little more. When you are expecting your baby, you can’t wait to meet your sweet little one! You wonder what she will look like, what his personality will be like, if he is going to have daddy’s chin and mommy’s blue eyes. The wait is torture, but it’s because you want to play with your new baby, hold your new baby and all the other fun things that come with having your precious little one. I think because we are not anticipating any of those things, I am not anxiously counting down the days. I am still going on with my life as normal, because when this is all over, we will continue on as normal, with nothing new to mold our life around. Everything in our home will still be the same. I’m not really sure how to explain what I’m trying to say without sounding a little harsh. I’m not intending to sound cold at all, because Heaven knows, I could not be more excited to bring this little one into the world for Hope and her husband. I dream of that moment when they finally get to hold their new baby. I love being a part of this experience. I love all of it. But it is understandable why they would be counting down the minutes. That is the job of the mother and father to-be. I just get caught up in all the other going-on’s in my life because life as I know it won’t stand still for that beautiful moment. And I am perfectly happy for it to be that way.

People also ask me if I am worried that I will get attached to the baby. And my heart feels the very same way it did when this was all just hypothetical. Would I get attached to the baby? I never doubted that I would not. As always, this is not my angel. This is Hope’s and her family’s angel. However, I have gotten attached to one thing. I am very much in love with Hope and her family. They are family to me in every sense of the word. I am attached to our friendship, and it is one that I hope will never die. I am perfectly content to be attached to our friendship. It is a healthy and honest one. I don’t need more than that.

I have also had a lot on my mind regarding The Gospel. I was in the Temple the other day, and I remembered when Clark and I were sealed to one another. I was pregnant with Brynlee at the time, and I remembered the emotions that overwhelmed me. Knowing that our families are eternal. That we will continue on together after this life. Knowing that I was sealed not only to my husband, but also my children for all of time and eternity. I pondered on the Plan of Salvation. I was so thankful for the knowledge that I had that we all chose to come to this life, and that Heavenly Father organized families so that we did not have to face this life on our own. Those thoughts were so powerful when I was pregnant with Brynlee. And the other day, while sitting inside the Temple, I was overwhelmed by the emotions that flooded over me when it came to this baby. I am able to bring this baby into the world, into a home that recognizes The Gospel. This baby will be born into the covenant, and their family will be sealed together for all of time and eternity. This baby will be part of a family, just as Heavenly Father intended it, to lean on one another in this life so that no one has to go at it alone. And not only do I get to have my own family, and raise my own children to know the Savior, and lean on my own family in this life, and know the joys of being a mother, but I also get to be a small part of another family’s eternity. And to know that we are all children of our Heavenly Father. And that it is okay to reach out and lift one another, because we all want to return to live with him again. It is safe to say that I left the Temple absolutely sobbing, but ever so grateful for that experience, and to have that time to ponder on those eternal things. I love the Gospel. I love our Savior. I love the joy and peace that his atonement can bring into our lives. I love the knowledge that I have of the truth, and I am so grateful for all the blessings that have come into my life, because of that knowledge.

(Side thought -- We had an incredible lesson in Relief Society today, but one thing stuck out to me.

Finding

Adventure

In

Trusting

Him

I had never thought of Faith that way. I was uplifted and grateful for this small acronym. I hope that you might be able to apply it in your own life. (Sorry, but it has been tugging at my heart strings all afternoon)

I blogged for 4 hours a few weeks ago, and I had lots to say, but at the last minute, my computer glitched and I lost everything I had written. I have not had the umph to re-type everything I had to say, so this was just a small blog to catch up a little. Hope said that tomorrow night for Family Home Evening they are going to tell their little girls about the new baby :) She asked me to post a couple more pictures of my belly so that they could get on the blog and show their little ones. So below I have two more pictures of my oh-so-lovelyness ;)

Last, I have got to put in a plug for my massive migraines. I said this on facebook a while back, but when I was pregnant with Brynlee, my monster was heartburn. True blue heartburn from Hades. But with this pregnancy, my monster has been severe, crippling migraines. And I have only ever had a few in my lifetime, so I never realized how truly debilitating they could be, especially when they are so frequent. I think I might just take the injections over this right now…

Hope will be here in two weeks! We will get to find out what they are having! I am very excited to see her and go to the ultrasound. We fudged the date, so it is officially on March 8^th at 3:30 :) We will even get to videotape the ultrasound. I can’t wait.

While we are there, I am planning to talk to the doctor about these migraines.

Hope’s parents came to see me at work the other day! They popped in right as I was about to leave for the day, and we got to visit for a few minutes. They asked how their grandbaby was, and it was so fun to see them. I called Hope right away to tell her that it made my whole day :)

And last, I can feel the baby moving! In the last two weeks, I have been able to feel the baby all the time. Mostly when I am settling in for the night or relaxing on the couch. Lots of tiny flutters that last for quite a while. It has been so fun, and Hope said that it only makes everything feel more real. Her little baby is growing and getting stronger :) I love it!

Until next time…